My mom is in AL (dementia diabetic). She hates it there. She's paranoid that someone is stealing from her, no one is. I'm her POA and HCP. My local brother can't handle the situation (our dad just passed 6 months ago from stroke and cancer) and does nothing to help me with mom. My sister, lives out of town, is constantly berating me about mom's care and finances. I keep both of them informed of everything. Sister wants mom to go home and have me take care of her. I refused. She wants a copy of every receipt, invoice, check and all bank statements (2 file boxes worth). I've told her all of mom's expenses, bank balances etc. She's not satisfied. She has cut ties with me and is now convincing mom that she should live at home but I won't allow it. It's just too much for me to handle. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I could go on and on. Help!
The brother (whether he likes it or not) should be involved, too-It's his mother, too. If he doesn't get involved, then he could regret not spending enough time with her after she passes away.
I think your mom is having hallucinations or seeing things that are not happening or just making up stuff so she can get you to move her out of there.
Anyway, I agree with the other posters: Stick to your guns, don't let them control you. You're doing the right thing, even if your sister doesn't think so.
Over all that time, one receipt in the amount of $12.00 from Walgreens, was lost. Twisteds focused on that and never forgot about it. Some people just have to be right as a result of their vindictiveness and spite.
put you foot down and tell them to bugger off as you have POA and they do not.
Something that might "work" for sister's needs to know (though probably not) is what I do for my bro. I manage his monies as I am both his financial POA and the Trustee of his trust. I pay all his bills. Just getting mailings coming to me, with everyone wanting a copy of POA and Trust documents is daunting. And I have a file that is "all his" in a very attractive wine box (!). Because my brother is rather MORE cognizant of everything than less, I make him a month statement of all monies coming into his trust (whether from SS or from CD interest) and all monies paid OUT each month. It is easily done once the grid is made on the computer. I have to keep these records ANYWAY, so there they all are. His copy he keeps in a binder. Were I to have a "questioning sister" as you do I would send HER a copy as well. That would be it. I would not discuss of argue with her, because I am in charge. Were she to want to take me to court, that's fine, as I could then present my records, copies and diary to the court.
And yes, as was said below, should your sister care to take on the care of her mother, in the interests of saving what she seems to see as her future inheritance, then do suggest she might like giving that a try.
I think the luckiest thing you have said here is that she has cut ties with you. As to convincing Mom, just tell Mom that at present you are unable but she might suggest moving in with Sister.
If the Sister would like to take on the POA and Mom would like that, give her the whole thing. You can take over being the gnat she is in everyone's tea.
Don't let your sister bully you into anything. She can either take mom in or move into mom's house and take care of her. Those are her options, otherwise, there is nothing further to discuss..is there?
If necessary, go no contact with your sister, let her harass your brother.
Your father died only six months ago, and everybody must still be very raw from that. So we must make certain allowances.
Was your mother living at home under your father's supervision up until then? How long has she been in her current ALF?
In the interests of charity I am assuming that your brother is hiding, and your sister is overcompensating. The important thing to do is put up your own emotional defences, and then carry on regardless until everyone has had more time to adjust.
Just one more question: your sister has cut ties with you, she is now "convincing mom that she should live at home" but you won't allow it - so if you're not in direct contact with your sister, are you getting this version of your sister's views from your mother? Doesn't mean it's wrong, of course, but it does mean you shouldn't necessarily swallow it whole.
By the way, unless your sister is included in the POA instructions, she has no more right to your mother's financial information than I have. It's important to keep those records immaculate, so well done there; and I would agree that sharing an overview of income and outgoings is sensible so that everyone knows what's what, but your sister has no business to demand it.
As in "Sis, you don't get to run my life".
By the way, you have every right to keep mom's finances private from your sister.
My brother was POA and I had no idea about what moms resources were, since that's the way she wanted it.
If mom no longer trusts you, perhaps it's time to move her to Sis's neck of the woods.
Does your sister have any idea what in home care costs, as opposed to AL?
Give her the numbers of some home care agencies and tell her she's free to call and set things up, but that YOU are not going to be involved; all emergency calls will go to her.
Sister wants her head smacked if you ask me...