My mother in law is in her late seventies. Her sister just recently passed away and her other sister is in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. With her older sisters recent passing, none of the decisions for funeral planning or...I am not sure how to say this correctly...where to put her were made or expressed in advance. (One of her four children had to fit the bill entirely on her own. The poor girl had to put the entire thing on her credit card...and I am sure by knowing her siblings will be paying it off on her own as well). The siblings that didn't bother to help of course had a boat load of opinions and wanted to disagree about everything. I feel unless my mother in law gets it together...we will be stuck with all of the finances and have to deal with the deadbeat siblings in our family. She absolutely refuses to even discuss it. When I told her that my husband and myself have a plot already paid for and have very precise instructions as to our choices, she told me she didn't care what we decided. I asked her if she had any money set aside for this (she has about $1700 a month in disposable income). Her response to me was that, it is not her responsibility to pay for it, that we have to deal with that. (Excuse me, what?) We built a thousand square foot mother in law apartment/addition onto our home. It has a separate entrance, separate yard, we fully furnished it with the furniture she chose and put in all the appliances and fixtures, flooring she wanted...so on and so on. She pays no rent or utilities of any kind. My husband paid off her car and pays the insurance and maintenance. Mind you, we live in a subdivision and still have a mortgage and now a second mortgage due to this. I was flabbergasted. What? I am fully annoyed. The fact that she will not even address the topic is very frustrating, but the fact that she feels we should provide for her funeral and burial without even making an attempt to take care of it on her own. Frustrating. Have you had this talk with your parents, did they make these decisions...did they avoid it? Did they expect you to pay for it? I am at a loss. I feel we have done so much and I do not think what we are asking of her is out of line. Maybe uncomfortable, but not out of line. How do we make her understand she needs to address this.
a question Your Mother in Law is not able to deal with right now, but when She is I bet Mother in Law will make Her wishes known to You and the Family.
As for building the 1,000 Square Ft appartment on to Your home, this will add to the value of Your home after Mother in Law dies. Consider this an investment much safer than having that money in the Bank. As for Siblings contributing zero and have a boat load of opinions while disagreeing with every thing is a very common occurrence, but then this probably eases their guilt. As for Mother in Law Who is in Her late 70's, and may Live another ten
twelve or fifteen years ? and hopefully She will and You will have loads of time
to deal with this matter.
DON’T need it and I do (I fear being homeless once I run thru the last of my retirement savings). Humans ... thanks JJ for even looking at my vent! ❤️
Then at her death, if the other Siblings don't want to chip in, she should be Cremated and her Ashes can kept or spread at a place you know she enjoyed being. You could even Spread them at you and your husband burial plot.
I was definitely fortunate with my mom. She was very upfront with me about her finances and for the final 6 years, I was totally in charge of them. We never pre-planned the funeral, but did meet with the priest she wanted to do the service, and I knew the funeral director she wanted to use so for me, the hardest part was finding pall bearers, since some that she had wanted pre-deceased her! And being the last survivor in the family, there was no one to complain about my decisions.
She's always "triangulated" us so I have no relationship with my siblings and she loves to make me look bad (though I've been the caretaker and her helper my whole life), so she's done it even with death. I've decided I'll just let my siblings dictate and not fight for what she told me she wants. It's not worth destroying my mental and physical health more to "defend" her wishes anymore.
When I begged her to put her wishes in writing because my siblings didn't believe me she promised she would. Instead she spent days studying death notices in the paper, then gave me only her glowing death notice for me to publish when the time comes. She wrote nothing of her funeral or burial wishes she tasked me with though....
My post probably doesn't help you, but it helps me to vent - so thank you - and I wish you get the best outcome with your situation.
Why is she not paying her own way? That doesn't even make good sense. She needs to pay her own bills and be the grown up she is. A reduced rent to at least cover her utilities and paying for her own auto insurance is not asking to much. Oh my, when she really needs help the precedence that is being established will make her a monster to deal with, she will feel entitled to order you all about and do her bidding. She will not hesitate to fight your wishes, it will be here way or hell to pay. Something to consider.
As long has your husband is beneficiary or co-owner of her checking/savings account you won't have to go through probate (another cost). If he isn't and she won't, then depending on your state you can wait two or three years and get it out of unclaimed funds. That's what I am doing. I check once a month, it should be showing up soon.
Sometimes (if the amount is under $10,000) the bank will let your husband have it if he shows a paid funeral bill and the situation is not in probate.
He most likely will be able to keep her last social security check that comes after she dies. Those checks are paid after the month. My mother died the 3rd of July, but we were allowed to keep the check that came in July because it was for April (and she was alive the entire month of April).
If your MIL has some money left that you can access, use it for the cremation. Even if you have to pay with your own money, you can probably manage that cost. Check prices in your area so you'll have some idea what to expect.
Your MIL may not be able to deal emotionally with the reality of dying. She has told you she doesn't care what you decide. She is not demanding that you provide a huge gala in her honor. Even an obituary notice is optional. Assume it is being left up to you, and plan accordingly. You do not need to spend a huge amount of money.
My point is love finds a way. And arguing is actually a sign of a poor and weak personal relationship lacking in love for the dying person.
As a minister, I counsel families in this situation often. This isn't new. And sadly comes all too often with a spoonful of extra pain.
I fully understand your desire, and right, to have your questions answered. You are wise to be looking ahead with practicality. That said, if you take the lead in asking her these questions she is likely to make you the "bad guy" for forcing her to face these issues. Resentment generally will then bubble to the surface creating a host of other problems. I'm not suggesting such responses are justified, only to say, I've seen it happen countless times.
My suggestion would be to have a private talk with your husband to find out where he stands. Once you two are on the same page with expectations of what you will and will not be taking care of, it then becomes his job to have a talk with HIS Mom.
He can respectfully ask her what her wishes are for her years ahead, and then clearly state which of those details you & he will be helping with and which details she will need to financially cover with other sources.
I find myself explaining to people that these conversations come down to one thing, setting healthy boundaries. It need not be an ugly conversation once healthy boundaries and expectations are set. The thing I cannot stress enough, that conversation needs to happen between parent and child, AFTER the "child" has come to definite and unequivocal agreement with his/her spouse. And it actually makes the conversation with the parent easier when they enter the talk clearly knowing in advance which responsibilities they will accept.
Be the encourager to your spouse reminding him, once the two of you are on the same page, the talk with his mom is not a negotiation. He is simply sharing the facts with her. How she responds is her choice. MIL may not initially like the boundaries set, but to be blunt, "oh well." She'll swallow them a whole lot easier though if they come from her own child.
Your standing in the role of just 'supporting your husband' will keep you out of the line of fire and make your home a whole lot more peaceful as MIL must start making decisions she preferred to shove off onto others.
It's important to be respectful to our parents, while remembering our relationship with our spouse comes first.
To me, personally, this end of life stuff is quite a waste of money. That said, not everyone thinks as I do, and many love celebrations of life, and a place to "visit" under the shade of an old oak. Some fine great comfort in religious ceremonies; many find closure.
So, there you are. You have lots of choices. If still MIL refuses to budge, then, when the time comes and given you do not pre-decede her (entirely possible since I just had a young acquaintence pass at 45 very suddenly), you can make a nice, quiet, relatively inexpensive choice for her. She seems to prefer it that way.
All joking aside, maybe she is a little "shocked" or grieving her sister's recent passing, so give it some time. I do agree with the ones that have mentioned that his son should do the approach. But if she won't even discuss it with him...then see original "joke"!
My family members so far have been very vocal and hands on with what they want after they pass away! I have one aunt that wants an all out wake...with lively music and all! My Grandma chose and paid for the arrangements! And my mom already said she wanted to be cremated!
Love this answer. Vikings were tough people! Adore your humor.
What I would do is sit your husband down and have a frank conversation about this and get on the same page about her funeral. Try to come to an agreement on how much you will pay for out of pocket. I don’t know what state you are in, but in California we paid $1300 to have my FIL cremated on June. That was without an urn.
I think that her lack of financial contribution to the household is a separate issue and whether she starts saving for her funeral or not, she needs to start contributing now. There is no good reason for you to be financially supporting her—and that is exactly what you are doing. She should be paying you room & board and helping with a few utilities or at least buying groceries. If you have to drive her around, she can fill your gas tank once in awhile and pay for an oil change too.
Who is the executor of the will? I'm not sure if it is in all states, but I believe executors can be paid. If she doesn't want or care about her final resting place, find the least expensive option, let her know this is what it is, and get reimbursed afterwards.
And I'd certainly stop paying for everything! You've got your own life to live and pay for!
Thank God, my wonderful MIL did not raise her sons like that. My husband respects me.
Where I live the funeral service account is allowed to be withdrawn & paid directly from the deceased's bank account. Maybe a call to her bank to ask their deceased/funeral policy? (I'd keep it anonymus!).
If she doesn't have the funds readily available, it would be reasonable to start that conversation on contributing or putting that aside. I get that different cultures have certain expectations & that sometimes older people expect the younger do it all for them... but surely your MIL would like to make things easy for you & your DH? "We will be so sad at that time . It would be a great comfort to us if we were prepared".