Where to begin. I have been really overwhelmed lately and am hoping I can get some support here.
Little background: My mom passed away in 2019 due to mental health challenges. I went back to school, got my prereqs for medical school, aced the MCAT, and have now been accepted into medical school to start in 2024.
Separately, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (my parents were not together). I also found out he had not saved for retirement at all and was in serious debt (100k) with the IRS.
At first, it was only me helping my dad. I got him the appointments with the neurologist, traveled to my home state to make sure he was going to them, got him prescribed meds, was calling social security often to figure things out, etc.
Then my aunt became involved, and ended up giving my dad $20,000 to pay off the IRS. He didn't ask for this, she just did it. She has also given him money to pay his bills. I had met previously with a financial advisor who advised me to set aside some money for my dad's future care, about $10k, which I have almost spent all of now. She cajoled me into sending her $300 per month to pay for his expenses, then it was $500. Then this summer she began asking me to send her money for her bills and I said no, because my savings was set aside for my dad.
Eventually my dad began to take our social security and got on disability, but he does not budget well at all. For example, he spends $500 per month on gasoline, and eats out at every meal. His home is very dirty, he has several cats that soil his carpets. I'm not sure what to do about this, it's not new behavior. I remember as a very young kid, I went to his trailer and there were mice and cockroaches.
Things have come to a head recently, as my aunt is refusing to send me any of my dad's tax documents that I need to submit to financial aid to be considered for scholarships/grants. She told me that going to medical school is selfish and I need to come back home and take care of my dad. My dad does not want this. He raised me to be independent, to enjoy science, math, ect. No one in my family took care of my grandparents (their parents), but also, they had saved up money for their retirement. I have planted the seed in my dad's mind that he can come live with me and my fiancé anytime. I can't afford to give up my career to become a caregiver, and my fiancé also has a career that he needs to continue.
I've also received the advice from my therapist that when people leave careers they worked hard for and enjoy, they become resentful and depressed. Moving back home would be extremely hard for me, as I would have no job prospects (it's a smaller town), and would be giving up so much opportunity. I already resent my aunt for the expectation that I should essentially become a caregiver and leave behind my career, the possibility of having a family, the great opportunity I have to make a stable career for myself and grow my own retirement fund. I just, I guess, don't know how to navigate these relationships and what to focus on. Any help is appreciated.
You say, "Eventually my dad began to take our social security........" What does that mean, exactly????
You are 29. Why do you need HIS tax records to be considered for financial aid???? Makes no sense.
What financial advisor tells a daughter to set aside $10k for her dad's future care, which he's already spent most of?????? And what aunt asks for $300 and then $500 a month for her brothers bills, then throws HERS on top for chits and giggles???????
If you give up an opportunity to go to medical school, which is as rare as hens teeth, that would be very sad. If you continue sending money to your aunt for "dad's care", that would be foolish. You'd have to hold down a full time job to pay your own bills AND send $500+ a month to her, let's face it. You can't go to medical school AND work full time.
Tell your aunt she's cut off, you're going to medical school, and tell her you'll help dad apply for Medicaid for long term care once he needs placement in Skilled Nursing care. That's what you can do, nothing more.
Got four decades left. So you want to throw yourself onto the trash heap that he has been working so hard to create for decades? Because, yes, that is one quick way to an angry and bitter life.
Step away from this utter and chaotic mess and get on with your life.
There is no way to navigate this mess.
You have a good therapist. LISTEN to him/her.
You will NEVER be able to negotiate any help or support with or without this troublesome aunt. Trying will drain you until you are a husk of a human being. You will never be able to "do for" a father who is living in an infested trailer.
My advice is to report you father to APS. Let them deal with him AND with Aunt. Whatever you do, do NOT get POA or guardianship. Let APS know that you cannot deal with either dad or his sister and you are in medical school and cannot be their resource at this time. Let them know that if Dad requires guardianship it must be guardianship of the state.
You are not required to throw your own life onto the funeral pyre, the sticks of which your Dad has been piling up for a lifetime. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it and throwing your own life after his is an utter waste which will be to no good effect.
In your few off hours read the memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. She tried to intervene for her mentally challenged mother for DECADES along with the social services of the city and state of New York, all to no avail. Won't help you, but will let you know you are not alone, and no matter how much of your own life you give up, it will never BEGIN to be enough.
STEP AWAY and get on with your own life.
Any advisor who tells you that you should set aside money for dads care has no idea what they are talking about. Your dad if he has no money would be on medicaid not having you fund his care which would be untenable, unless you are a millionaire.
Your dad has ALZ and undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. This will only get worse not better and you cannot have him come and live with you. Arrangements for getting him setup with medicare/medicaid and then placement in a facility are the only options you should be considering.
As for the aunt she is going to be a continuing and ongoing problem and thorn in your side regarding your dad. I don't see how you can afford to support yourself and your father. If your father is wasting his money on junk then I would stop sending him money all together.
You are in a very difficult and tough spot but please don't allow your aunt and father to take you down with them. When you have to choose between your father and you, please choose yourself. You deserve to have a life. Your dad is making his own choices, stop bailing him out. When the time comes you will have to place him in a facility and that may be sooner rather than later.
It was the most brutal of time for them--requiring every extra second of their time and often money to get through. SIL actually did a PhD in the middle of years 2 and 3--and by 'working' at the lab, his tuition and books were covered. BUT, not living expenses and so my daughter worked all the years until the last 2 of his schooling. Plus school loans. Debt is a secondary dynamic to the whole MedSchool experience.
I'm saying this to say THIS: They did not have one extra penny to rub against another. we didn't pay for school (nor did we pay for son and his wife who were at Yale) but we helped where we could and supported them emotionally, which is what they often needed.
POINT being--medical school is HARD. My son in law is some kind of weird genius in his field and he worked 18 hrs a day for 14 years to get through all his training.
If you start now, being a financial backup for your dad, it will get worse and worse. This is the time of your life when you need to be a bit selfish.
Auntie can't DO anything but annoy you. Anyone who is not supportive of you in this quest for further education is someone you just have to cull out of your life. My son in law doesn't speak to his parents b/c they were so awful during the time he was applying to Med School and beyond.
Quit giving dad money. Tell Auntie you cannot be involved in any way but emotionally (and cut that back too!) and focus on YOU and your studies.
I am really surprised anyone who is making school loans cares what your parents make. Neither of our kids had to show that. In fact, our Son in Law had been accepted to med school before he even met our daughter!
Make very tight and strict boundaries with both dad and aunt. They have to know that SOMEDAY you might be making a lot of money--but those days are waaaaaay out there. Probably 10+ years depending on your specialty.
Your dad is 3 years younger than I am. I would live in gov't housing before I would ask my kids for help. I feel so strongly that we need to be responsible for ourselves. DH and I lived below our means for 47 years so we could save and invest in retirement--and we are fine and going to BE fine for the rest of our lives.
Get someone who knows the drill with financial support forms. I know my Son In Law didn't use his parent's income as any kind of backup.
Please put yourself and your fiancé first. You're about to embark on a huge undertaking and you need peace and stability to be a good student and hopefully a good doctor!
Its better that your dad gets some paid caretakers while you pursue your studies.
Your aunt has chosen to make your father her problem. She does not get to extend the challenges of her decision onto you.
You are helping your father as practical. This “all or nothing” thinking that you must give up your life for another is what’s selfish.
Please rethink offering to take him in. My mother is now 98. I finally had to place her as, with her dementia, she needs 24/7 supervision and care. She refused outside help and I burned out. Medical school is an enormous load. Do not attempt both.
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