What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?

It depends on the day .

Today it’s , she doesn’t have her ducks in a row , and the pond is drying up .

Im2Young4This,

That is a very bad situation in which your husband is putting his mom ahead of you and your marriage. His emotional enmeshment with his mom is keeping him from setting limits and making you the bad person. He needs therapy and ya'll need therapy, but if he is not willing to go, please take care of yourself and go to therapy. He has a script in his head, put there by his mom. When she triggers the script, he unthinkingly follows it.

I don't know how many times that I have read stories like yours here were either the son or the daughter is emotionally enmeshed with mom which causes havoc on both the marriage and the caregiving situation.

What your husband is putting you through is emotional abuse. He's not being faithful to you and in this case the other woman is his mom.

Due to various motivations like a divorce or a bad marriage, a mom will make either a son or a daughter into an emotional partner.

In one subculture of society this is crudely called being a "son-husband." Some therapists and writers prefer using the word enmeshment while others use stronger language, emotional or covert incest.

There is a wonderful book for wives in your situation. When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. A book that may help you understand him better and how he got there is Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.

In some marriages, this enmeshment is just below the surface until the caregiving of a parent arises. In other marriages, this is present from the start and fuels constant battles. Being under the surface or above the surface, it hinders the intimacy of the couple. I think this is beneath many others reasons for which couples get divorced. I hope that I'm wrong, but in my 67 years of living, I've seen it way too often.

Please get therapy, take care of yourself, set some boundaries with real consequences and I wish you the best. This is not in any way easy to do, but it must be done, not to change him which may or may not happen, but to protect yourself and communicate to him that you will be treated with respect.
 

Dealing with my family!! 😖

I am in the same boat.
My mil lives with us and is causing so much stress on my marriage that sometimes I just want out.
She expects things from her son and I that we are not capable of due to our own health.
A couple of weeks ago she was hospitalized for 2 days due to anemia. It was wonderful!
She has nurses and PT coming in a few times a week.
She knows that my marriage is on shakey ground yet says "how will I ever get well when there is so much turmoil." I responded by asking her how I and her son were to ever get well, if she doesn't stop and consider the health of her caregivers.
Her son won't set limits so I am stuck with being the bad guy.

The fact that my sisters and I know it is not really appreciated because she acts like a queen and expects to be waited on and things taken care of. Every time I leave she says thank you, but you can tell it is not sincere

That eventually I will make the wrong choice and that it could cost someone their life.

This is what happened to my grandmother (96). She was receiving care in her home and in between visits she climbed out of her chair, got stuck and passed. Likely from exertion or from suffocation. This happened within a 30-40 minute window in between aid care visits. Why is this my fault? Well you see I usually check in on her. However that morning I wanted a break and went to get my nails done. I forgot my phone with video monitoring and told myself not to worry, that I didn't need to be “on” that everyone was safe. How wrong I was. Only 15 minutes away and I could have helped.

Caregiving is like being a captain of a ship, you are trying to help someone get to the other side in the life boat with dignity and respect. I pray I honored her, I sure did try my best.

I get tired of "being the light" and trying to stay upbeat when all I get thrown at me is negativity, complaints and criticism.

Im caregiver my mom91 she don't ask for much she really don't talk much mist of the time but she's getting where she can't get around much she don't want ti move in with any body .good mom but I feel so trapped at times been here 1 year and 6 months can't even go to store until some one comes up got two sisters that comes once or twice week im about to go crazy but I love my my mom feels like it's all on me don't see no change any time soon and I resent my sister's and brother's because they free to do what ever they want have 3 brothers and two sisters im I wrong to think like this I feel guilty im 71 and my health is not all that good eather

The "slammies..." Our LO gets so angry when she's unable to understand or when she thinks we just don't get it... she gets terribly mad and slams things.

People who screw over the ones who cared for their elderly LOs. I think there's a special place in H3LL for them. They better pack their bags, 'cause they're going there. Bon voyage!

I’m 35, single, only child. Caring for a mother who is 58, married to a man who does less than the bare minimum and thinks he’s husband of the year. She’s blind, can’t walk due to a stroke, has 4 autoimmune diseases, diabetes, bedsores that the local hospital let her get, kidney disease, she’s on home dialysis which I administer to her every single day, has an ostomy bag, and she’s prone to getting c-diff and other intestinal infections. I sometimes feel immense guilt because I feel like my life is passing me by and I am resentful. I take care of the house, pets, and my Mom 24/7. My car is the only car in our family so sometimes I can’t use it to go do something for myself because my stepdad will have my car while at work. I can’t work because of my home responsibilities. I can’t even go out to a movie or dinner with friends or date because I am the only one trained to give her dialysis and my step-dad isn’t helpful and tends to ignore her in favor of running outside to sit on the patio and smoke while listening to music. I do EVERYTHING. I felt obligated to care for her after her health declined in 2019. If I didn’t, who would? She and I have both dealt with thoughts of self harm due to everything going on. At one point she spent a year and a half in and out of hospitals and rehabs because she would skip dialysis for weeks at a time and would get so sick she would become septic and comatose. It started taking her 7 days or longer to “wake up” after she slipped into that non responsive state. She would do this because she felt like a burden and like her husband can’t wait for her to die so he can be free. Myself, due to her husband being verbally abusive to me, and seeing my Mom just refusing to cooperate and causing so much unnecessary stress on me. From December 2021 to July 2023 she spent a total of maybe 2 accumulative months at home. Everything else was in a hospital because of her doing. We also moved across the country in 2020 so I missed home and everyone there. All of these things caused me to eventually create a plan to end my life in late 2022/early 2023. I feel resentment towards my Mom for all of the stress she has caused me, all the fear, the physical and mental health issues she has caused me, for taking my life away (she didn’t. I chose to be her caregiver out of sheer obligation, but in my anger, it sometimes feels this way). She and I have a lot of past experiences that are unresolved and I still hold onto because of the pain she caused me after my Dad passed away when I was 17. So a lot of that past trauma seeps into my mental state as her caregiver. Sometimes it feels like a thankless, endless, 24/7, living nightmare where I am at her beck and call. I get little sleep because she requires attention and assistance at all hours. From needing food and drink, her ostomy emptied or changed, bedding, clothing and bandage changes when her ostomy leaks (which is FREQUENTLY), needing her dialysis, needing medication, needing the channel changed, needing to ask the time or a question, needing extra blankets, needing help bathing or dressing, etc. I love her more than anything and I would give anything for her. She is my rock and my biggest supporter. But sometimes I feel like her assistant or maid. I sit and wonder why me? Why her? Why us? When will we catch a break and live a calm life with no stress or issues? Will I be in this funk or rut for the rest of her life? I get so angry at her sometimes and I yell out of frustration. I feel like it’s because of all the times she yelled at me as a child over trivial things, and that’s how I know how to process my anger. Yelling at someone. She’s so weak and frail and apologetic and then I feel like a terrible person and an even worse daughter. It makes me cry and hate myself. I feel like I willingly gave my prime years away to care for her and I will never get them back. It weighs on me so heavily. But hugging her and hearing her say “I love you” makes it all go away.

The fact that my wife and I had to change our entire lives right after we got married. Also, the lack of support from family. My brother in law and his wife rarely help at all. They just took a trip to Scotland and are planning a trip to Japan - meanwhile, my wife and I are babysitting her mom all day.

I hate being the house "slave". I am trying to work full-time from home and I must get up AT LEAST 75 to 100 times a day from my desk. Today I woke up early because my dad wanted breakfast before golf came on this morning. I am exhausted and I need to put in a 9-hour day of work today which turns into 15 hours because of the constant interruptions. FML :(

I miss me. I miss my mom. The woman she has become is someone who mean, selfish and approaches life like 'Mommy Dearest' where nothing is ever good enough. Mom is 84. 'Moderate' lewy body dementia per the 15 minute visit with the doctor. Add mobility issues, cardiac issues and incontinence. And a hoarder for the last 60 years. I 'temporarily' came to stay in her home when she came home from hospital/rehab stay. That was 18 months ago. I am still paying rent/electric on my place as my husband and daughter are still there until there is space here. Trying to clear mom's house of 60 years of hoard that was organized into hundreds of small boxes. Two 30yd dumpsters later, i am still cleaning shit out. My oldest sister will come for a few days as she lives on the east coast, six states away. My brother is in a rehab facility for peripheral neuropathy. My sister that lived in town passed from cancer in May 2023. Julie's death seemed to accerate everything.
Mostly i hate watching Mom slip away every day and be replaced by someone i dont know.

I’m really tired of having other people in my house. Even the ones I like, like the respite caregiver. I imagine it sounds weird and spoiled, but I just miss having our house exactly the way we want it, and being able to act however we want when we’re home.

Recently I would say that having to “manage the care” a facility that costs $6000 a month seems wrong. One might think giving basic care would be a given.

One of the worst things about this is the true inability to talk about it and to just be “heard”. I’m not asking for advice from people who cannot step in to help. Sometimes I just want and need a friendly ear. And it is entirely UNHELPFUL to be told to “walk away”. Some balls simply cannot be dropped. That’s the worst…

Thank you

My wife has Alzheimer's..............I feel so sorry for her and do all I can to keep her entertained and involved. When I think to get in-home or consider other options so I can have a life, guilt sets in. My kids (not hers)& grandkids live out of state and my brothers who live in state all pressure me to do something and spend more time with them. I would love to, but she really has no options other than me. I get upset at times wishing I could enjoy the outdoors and hobbies again, but get over it. The pressure from family is the worst,

What surprised me the most about caring for my mom with Alzheimer's, was the unpredictable nature of the whole situation. Her lucidity and her attitude could change on a dime, so one minute she was kind, easy-going, etc., and the next, she's verbally abusive and accusatory, as in, "Who stole my cup of tea?" (She forgot that she had just finished it.) We couldn't really make any definitive plans, let's say for all of us to go out for dinner, because it would depend on her mood, so she could be nice at 3:00, and "fussy" at 6:00, (like a toddler). I found writing about my stress to be therapeutic, and I wrote down anecdotes (many of them funny, actually), that became a book: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that my once broad life, was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog. I learned to develop the mindset that when my mom would insult me (over nothing, by the way), that it was the disease talking and not her. I think all caregivers deserve a pat on the back.

I'm feel like I'm giving up my life (I'm a 56 male and single) caring for my mom . Days are consumed with caring for mom. :(

What bothers me the most about caregiving is that I'm not being appreciated and they take a lot of advantage of me being there. I suggest you look for another job where you would be appreciated, you're a human being too. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Wow! I'm sorry for you for sure.
My mom has demensia and 4th stage lung cancer. I have lived with her for over 10 years. It's getting harder as she moans all day/night, won't eat or take her meds but when older brother gets here she's absolutely fine and only 1 extra strength tylenol all day instead of liquid morphine?!!! So? Why is that?
Everyone says she's playing me. I'm exausted. My voice sounds angry, irritated, frustrated and then he tells me off. I just spent 3 weeks full time with her while he vacationed in Florida. It was hell. He comes back and voila she's fine. Thank you listening to me rant. I love my mom with all my heart but I have no life. I do have 2 grandchildren and a new bf. I'm trying so hard. It's always about her...always has been. We used to be friends and now it's like I'm just the one who gets to clean up after everyone like usual while brother dearest gets to see the smiles. Jealous? Maybe but I don't like that emotion and never have been but what does anyone think? Am I a terrible daughter?

For me, I wd say having to do it full stop. I feel I have had to put my life on hold to care for my mother. My sis and bro did a runner years ago and bcoz I don't want to leave the burden of it to my other sis, we share the burden. Our mother is unmarried, has no friends, won't joi any groups etc and is miserable 24/7. Joy oh joy!!

0h yes. I can relate. I'm called a b constantly when all I do is help with everything. I want my life back.

The thing that bothers me most is that I never had any choice about being a cg. I feel a deep sense of moral obligation to care for mom. I woke up one day laid off, with a mother getting too old and frail to care for herself. I was the default child because my mom and I were close. We've always been closer than she has been to my sibs, and even though they love her (or say they do), they do nothing financially or to help with anything at all. I have asked for help from them repeatedly. My mom and I always had fun together and talked. In some ways getting her story and her family stories firsthand is the single greatest thing about caregiving. I love and respect her for being such a good person. She didn't smoke, drink, and she and my dad were married 40 years when he died. Is it corny to write that she set such a good example as a mother and wife? She's fun and loves to ride around with me while I run errands. This IS a labor of love and I know others feel that way. I wanted her to be able to die at home, but I didn't count on 10 years of this and did not fully understand what I was taking on with dementia, heart and kidney issues, mac degen, etc.... Then, there's having to live in her home. I cannot move a tchotchke as it makes the dementia worse. I have devoted myself to this to my own neglect. It's caring for her and the house that consume everything I have. It would have been so much easier to do this as a family, but that was never possible in our family. What makes up for their lack of familial care and love? I am getting everything. Even the tchotchkes. Unfortunately, there may not be much left and even that is OK. I have realized life is about relationships, not possessions, and how you conduct yourself is something to be proud of in life. I hope that God forgives me for yelling at Him when I'm just too tired to do anything.

The obliviousness of siblings and other family members about the extreme effort, energy, financial burden and health effects of being the sole caregiver for my parents.

Ill confess also...my mom has demensia and 4th stage lung cancer. She moans so loud it breaks the sound barrier. She fell last week and was acting so nuts I called ambulance. As soon as she gets to hospital she can talk. Walk. Eat. Drink and make sense to Dr and nurses. They actually transported her home because I couldn't get her that day. She returned at 5pm. Moaning. Refusing to eat. Can't walk...already fell. I feel trapped. Like I'm a prisoner here with a guard that only moans at me. I make food...she says she's hungry and I bring it and she won't eat. I cannot afford to throw out all the food she rejects. It's driving me nuts. Some of you say...suck it up. How? Ever tried it? To never be able to sleep myself and with all the influcted aggravation...it makes me worse. I've been doing this for 11 years! And I have a narcissistic brother who left for Florida for a month and he gets me served with lies about me smoking in the house and that I won't even give her a tylenol! How would he know??? This has been in court for 16 months because hi illegally changed her poa to only him but does nothing because all he wants is her money. It's exhausting. Any advice without someone ripping me to shreds?

My mother and I always argued about everything. If it was red, she will say it was green. If it took 30 minutes, she will say it was 5 or less. If he was here yesterday, she will say it's been weeks. But also she never believed anything I said from early childhood on. When I said that I thought one of her sisters had some kind of dementia, she said I was crazy. Two years later when other relatives said it, of course she believed them. Do you know what it's like to NEVER be believed?

Begging your family to help and they won't even when you are exhausted from years of doing it all by yourself.

I hate the term "caregiver". I don't care. She's awful and dealing with her makes me miserable. I want a LIFE. I need to EARN MONEY. There is nothing good about this. Not one single nice moment. The only thing I've learned is that I have a sense of duty, which may not be healthy. I've also learned I'm not capable of murder.

If you drink, you deserve to have your kids abandon you when you're old and infirm. Those drinks are actively contributing to your future dementia.

If you don't save up AT LEAST $250,000 (that's in addition to your social security checks) for assisted living, then you'll get put in a Medicaid bed next to some other coughing patient for God knows how many years. Don't expect to move in with a relative. That's cruel.

I'm wasting my time typing this. The people who need to read this aren't reading this.