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I love my parents but I struggle with anxiety and resentment, followed by guilt for feeling resentment. Now days, I jump out of my skin every time the phone rings. Dad loves to reminisce about the great times he had with Mom after retiring --- travel (Italy and US), socializing (ballroom dancing, bowling leagues and all of the things they did with friends). MY retirement, on the other hand, is NONE of those things. The best years of MY retirement are being spent taking care of THEM in the house they built, which they won't leave but can't take care of anymore. Dad is a sharp 95, but Mom is 91, has dementia and can't care for herself or be left alone. Because it wasn't part of their plan, ever, to move into a senior living/retirement community where they could age in place (reasonable affordability not an issue), they have left ALL of the hard decisions and heavy lifting to us. They did not take care of their own parents so they don't even grasp the consequences of their choices. Note to self: I will NOT do this to MY children. 😩
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Oedgar23 Mar 2, 2024
I’m so sorry. I relate to this level of anxiety. Always a new crisis. Like you, I’ll never do this to our kids.
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I am caring for an aunt who has no kids. I have been a caregiver for my mom and dad and they both have passed on. My issue is caring for them they were so appreciative but with my aunt, she feels like someone owe her something. She gets flip at the mouth and it's like she doesn't want to adapt to my way of living since she was a hoarder. I have ocd and it really get hard bumping heads. She need to realize that I'm helping her and right now I'm trying to find her a nice place but her income won't allow it since she didn't work a lot in her younger days. She's 85 now, and have step siblings who she does not affiliate herself with them now. I have had her evaluated and waiting on the results but I see some signs of dementia happening with her.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2, 2024
I think in these situations you tell aunt that she should be glad anyone cares about her! I’m childless and if I’m the one left I would love one lunch out with the niece, as opposed to making her the cg
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Warching the decline at high speed and slow motion. DEMENTIA is a horrible disease.
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Watching my father's decline which has increased in the last two months. He is a shell of the father I once knew. I'm his sole provider and I think I'm depressed, have trouble sleeping, and just don't care about things anymore.
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Angie60 Mar 16, 2024
Hugs. I'm sorry for you. I'm in the same boat. Shall we open the champaign? Sending love and hugs. I know it doesn't help much but know someone does care about you.
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So I'm not full time caregiver just yet, but being the only daughter between two brothers I can already see I will have steep path in front of me. I know I'm not promised tomorrow but if it's going in the natural order... 😔. I think what bothers me the most is that I have sacrificed the most and will continue to, and be treated the worst. Jeez when I write it down I sound like a spoiled jealous sibling. OH but there is so much more between these lines. I have always promised to take care of her and I will until I don't have the ability to do it safely. But I almost dread it and just that makes me feel like crap. Yup I'm certain I need therapy. I don't know if I answered your question but this forum has alot of experience and wise advice.
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Beatty Feb 29, 2024
Is it the natural order?
Or a convenience to men.

What if you were another brother?
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You’re not alone! My mother does the same thing. She has “per” doctor near psychotic episodes, his save all do all is take her to Er!!! They in turn send the sweet little old lady home! She poops on herself and gets it everywhere and it sets her off! I pooped in her pants, smeared it all over the wall scrubbed it with my tooth brush!! Not her she didn’t do it I did! And she wants to parade around nude in-front of my husband who she believes is her husband!!
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Siblings not agreeing with me on her decline and alienating me to handle my make believe world.
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VictorianDoll Feb 21, 2024
Yep! My family tool……..get told I don’t have the knowledge to care for mom! It’s a vicious cycle!
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What a good post!!! Look at all the replies!! You got your vent out and helped everyone else too!! Thank you so much! Mine isn't about being abused by mom but from the family!! I was tired of having to do everything myself and get nothing but accusations and criticism from them. I call them "armchair dictators"! They got to come and go, have a life,get her love and I made sure she got everything she wanted/ needed including her ice-cream not cookies, lol. I know what you mean about being treated like a nothing. Mom passed away last October and I'm almost done with all the financial stuff and then I'll disown some of them. I've had enough of being an only child when I wasn't one.
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sheepherder Feb 29, 2024
I'm thinking if you are caregiver of a family member. And there are those who are circling the drain. Your going to catch crap from them on your skills of doing so. And the one you're careing for is dishing out their own crap. You are being slammed in every direction. When in reality the caregiver should be praised, occasionally relieved and compensated. How is it that it's so twisted? Or is it just the caregivers of difficult people are looking for advice, while the ones with no problems are searching?
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I hate the lingering and slow motion decline of my 95 year old parents and the wishing and waiting for this endless slogfest to finally be over.
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Ditto, except its my 94 yr old Mom. I don't want to live this long if you have to take insulin and handful of pills every day. And I don't have any kids to take care of me. Just kidding, I would never do this to my worst enemy. Care giving sucks
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Loss of personal time and personal time with spouse,
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Tasha123 Mar 2, 2024
It really ripped the bandaid off my marriage.
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Not knowing when it's going to end, and knowing it's going to end
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Devushka Mar 17, 2024
This is the hardest thing for me, too.
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So many things I didn't expect when I quit my job to stay home and care for my husband full time after a stroke/TBI.
I'm so thankful for this community of caregivers sharing thoughts and suggestions!
The exasperating behaviors resulting from significant brain damage! Like grunting, groaning, yelling out for hours at a time, including overnight.
Fighting off any attempts to provide personal cares. So its always a battle.
And finally - family, friends and neighbors assume I have time to take care of their needs, because they assume I'm at home all day with nothing to do! They have no idea how drained I am, physically and emotionally, every day!
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fluffy1966 Jan 2024
Caring, I know how draining your work with your brain-injured husband must be. If you could please establish better boundaries with the REST of the folks in your life (friends, family & neighbors) you could avoid the irritation at their insensitivity in asking MORE of your time.
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I second your one , Marialake.
took my dad to buy a new belt last night at Macy's. It was a demeaning experience. I need time to recover just from that one "good deed".
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BarbBrooklyn Jan 2024
Demeaning? Your dad demeaned you? In public?

Is this how he's always been, or is this just since he's had dementia?
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MIL. I feel the same about mine and know that she would be completely different if it was her son that was bleeding out.
Battleaxe is subtle. You are far too kind, IMHO
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AllUsedUp27 Dec 2023
I'm sorry you're going through this too. Hugs
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Omg, I feel the same way, they don't notice we're burnt out, dropping everything for them, sacrifice over and over, then they're just worried about their rug or cat, not a thing about me. I've been caring for my mother for about 5 years, none of my family have stepped up. I live 2 hours away, new marriage too. She uses me then treats me badly, talks smack about me to everyone now. I've had nervous breakdowns, I gained a bunch of weight (lost it now), half of my hair has fallen out and my health is now at risk because of her, BS.
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ventingisback Dec 2023
HUG
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Having to do it all on my own. I am 1 of 7 children, single, no kids, so obviously to my siblings I was the best choice to be mom's caregiver. Apparently to my siblings, I don't need to have a life. Been taking care of mom for over 10 years. In 2021 we moved and are now living with my sister and BIL. My sister has been a great help with the caregiving. I get a little time to myself now, and get a 2 week vacation without mom. It's better than nothing which is what I was getting before moving.
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JuliaH Feb 18, 2024
Boy,do I hear you!!!! My brother cried to become to be POA,"I can't trust you"and I said " fine,take it!!!" Then it was," it could hurt me and my family!" So,that's OK if it comes back on me.??!! I'm single and brothers have family so...I'm the "fall girl." I'm glad you are getting some time for yourself!
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Depending on the situation ..
the word “ Caregiving “.

Sometimes it’s “ Assigned Servitude”.
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It also breaks a lot of family relationships.
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waytomisery Oct 2023
It sure does !!
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Justice pleasssse.
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Seeing how narrow their world gets to be and how much it restricts my interactions. Watching the same TV program over and over because it seems new to them, having to answer the same questions over and over, being accused of not visiting even though I am there everyday, etc. I know it is not their fault but still…..
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Soldier4Christ Nov 2023
I have watched Andy Griffin and Gunsmoke maybe 5,000 times or more and seen them all but my mom ask me have I seen this? I use to lie now I say I don't think so.
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Have said it before, but need to say it again: let justice prevail. Pleasssssse.

It would be the first time I see real justice in my life.
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AllUsedUp27 Nov 2023
I feel your pain.
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So sick of the selfishness, lack of gratitude, entitlement, blaming and accusations. Tired of the manipulation, lies and negative cycles of thinking, that just aren't true.
I hate the word: Normal, that's normal. Ok cool that's normal how do we deal with it, we try and redirect, we try to be empathetic, what do we do with this?!
Tired of any conversation being a land mine whether it is us just trying to engage with her. Or others trying to engage with her, knowing or unknowing bringing up past things that is a major source of conflict. Constantly cringing waiting for the fight after others leave because they unknowingly created a conflict that we have tried so hard to avoid.
Sick of feeling guilty or made to feel guilty we know we have done our very best to provide the best of the best and make the best decisions possible. Yet there is nothing that will help her be happy or at the very least content.
Just as much as she didn't ask for Alzheimer with Dementia, we didn't ask to be abused!
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AlvaDeer Oct 2023
Excellent rant! Excellent venting. And the PERFECT thread to do it on. You have my congratulations.
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I'm starting to hate it to be frank about it. I'm a paid caregiver. I'm sick of clients baiting me into personal conversations about how long I've worked and etc. Especially ones who have some sort of motive for getting information out of me and using this against me later on.

These people I'm seeing are strange. Years ago, I went into a job and did it. I did not get personal or was asked a lot of questions about myself. Clients knew I was there to care for them and allowed me to do a job. Now I'm seeing these clients want to have long conversations about their lives and problems. I feel like I'm being used as a sounding board instead of a home health aide. I want to get on with the work and maybe chit chat with them later on and keeping personal conversations at bay or not at all.

I need boundaries. I'm sick of people looking for me to be a friend and a therapist later to be met with lies and falsities being spread about me. I've witnessed a couple of them going back to the agency and lying. These are mental health cases, dementia clients along with needing personal care. I hate the agency in all due honesty that allows this type of behavior that later try to gaslight you and make you go back to these terrible clients.

Boundaries are needed in this field of work.

If any of you have some feedback on how to deal with this, you can send me a private message or hit me up here.

All I know is that I am quickly approaching burnout.
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Scampie1 Oct 2023
Thanks Bounce. What is even worse is that it is time to recertify for HHA and CNA registrations and the DC Board of Nursing has been a real nightmare to deal with.
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Stupid mistakes causing big problems.

Either my sister or I do our parents laundry, not the NH. The bins are clearly marked. But some idiot put took their clothes for laundering and is missing. At first I thought it was only my mother’s stuff but it’s my father’s too.

I am leaving to go give hell to the laundry department. It is not a trivial problem even though it seems it.

I am under enough stress. I don’t need this.
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waytomisery Oct 2023
Put BIG signs on the wall above the laundry bins at eye level . I had bright pink signs on the wall next to the closet , on the closet door and on the wall inside the closet where the bin was. I even resorted to putting one above the headboard over my father’s head . It looked ridiculous over his head , but that seemed to be the one that worked .
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What bothers me the most? Half my family. They’re extreme bullies. Totally over the top.
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sounhappy Oct 2023
I know no one wants to trade families with me…
🙁

Can I pay some money, and then you’ll take them….?
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Those with Alzheimer's dementia only have a sense of self. Sadly this is part of the disease. I tell my husband I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at the disease.
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The person you love is pretty much "gone." Life became difficult when he no longer knew me or our children. I regret the times I was angry with him. He passed away several months ago. Treat your loved one with respect and try not to be angry. Once it's over, you do not want to have any regrets.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2023
You’re right in saying that they are “gone.” Indeed, this is the most painful part of seeing someone age.
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I hate that it is all about HER. Her needs, her issues, her sadness. Even friends focus on her..she is 90…I am 73…I get tired and sore also.She was always depressive…always complained and now it is worse…Sadly ONE of us has to die for this end!
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Onthehill Feb 2024
I hear you. My mom will be 90 and I’m 61. I threw my back out trying to scrape her off the ground after she threw a tantrum. She was always negative even more so now. Criticized me when I became a single mom, then as her filters shut down she revealed that she had a daughter out of wedlock and gave her up. She must have been projecting. She’s always threatening suicide. It’s like being on a merry go round that won’t stop.
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I'm a paid caregiver. What I hate most about this field of work is running into narcissists and liars. I had a recent incident where I got thrown under the bus by the client. Then over those last three weeks, I put up with all types of passive aggressive foolery to top things off. The agency knew about this person from her past performances. If she got an award for acting, she would get an academy award for this nonsense. Also, I'm sick of watching some of these people work the system.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2023
I absolutely hate passive aggressive behavior in people!

I swear I would rather someone clearly speak their mind instead of dealing with them being ridiculous with passive aggressive behavior.

I can see how this would drive you nuts, Scampi. Take care of yourself and enjoy your time off when you have off days.
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