Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Quick update to all:

We told Mom that Dad was very very sick and the doctor's do not think he will make it. Her immediate response was to go into a type of denial mode - where she blamed Dad's past behaviour for making him sick now. She clearly understood the severity. I then asked her if she wanted to go see him ? And she asked - is he consciously, will he recognize me ? Because if yes - then she wants to see him. But if no - she doesn't want to see him. I then asked her - what if Dad dies - does Mom want to go to the funeral. Her immediate reply was - of course.

Within 15 minutes - she forgot the entire conversation and asked where Dad was. So I repeated that Dad was very very sick and not expected to make it. She looked very intently into my eyes - and ask me how serious it was. And I told her with complete honestly that I did not think Dad would survive. She said - wow - that serious, and got quiet. She then said - well - maybe he will get better. And I said, Mom - dont get your hopes up. The doctors are quite sure he wont make it. But let's call in the morning and see how Dad is. She said OK and then settled into bed.

I will let you know how it goes in the morning.

BTW - I am thinking of taking pictures of the funeral in Arlington and even possibly video tape the ceremony and Dad's coffin, maybe even Dad in the coffin. I know it sounds morbid - but I am thinking that this will be the only way to sustain a future memory for Mom, if she wants to see it. We will also get the flag from his coffin and put it in some type of memory case. I want to display the flag in my home and 1 picture of the ceremony, to honor Dad. I am so heartbroken that he died. However, will this be too difficult for my mother to see every day ? Any advice on this ?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Excellent words, Jen.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

One post said, "i pray you will make the right discision"

Ultimately, you make the best decision you can at the time, with the information you have access to. Typically, short term memory isn't something that those with dementia have 100% of the time. Dementia patients have a sense of reality at some times. I don't think you can lie by omission. They have the right to truth.

They will read it in your face, your demeanor and your manner, the truth.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Good plan. Watch her reactions and go from there. Each person is different, and you have the travel problem, which can be very upsetting to someone with dementia. Yet, funeral attendence can help some people. It's an unusually tough situation for you.

Keep us posted, and bless you for being so caring.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma, I was wondering would taking a picture of the his gravestone help?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Dear Everyone - it is so helpful to read your thoughts and ideas. I appreciate the quick responses. There are some really good suggestions here = that I will definitely incorporate.

Here is what I have decided to do:

1. I will tell my mother tonight that Dad is gravely ill and is not expected to make it. I will observe how she reacts and then take my cues from that.

2. It is early evening now, so I will see how she is in the morning. If she remembers (probably not) or how she reacts a second time with the news. If she is consistent in her reaction - then I have a good idea of what direction to go in.

Will keep you posted on the progress.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

i pray you will make the right discision about telling your mother about the death of her husband.and i pray God eill comfort you. My experience with my mother ,has alzheimers sister dieded three months ago. She went to the funeral and during the 3 minute remarks she asked me to say something abouth my aunt on her behalf ,because she felt she couldnt get the words right,wow that surprised me because I thought she was in one of her state of no recognition.Make a long story short,she had forgotten that we had traveled to the funeral and buried her sister. Now at times she asks I wonder how her sister is doing.I tell her she is with god because she passed away,and I she will see her one day.She said I know'. I used to say I don't no ,she's probably resting.She accepted my answere.I felt better better about finally telling her the truth. You will know what to say when the time presents itself.God bless
Rose1
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

somewhere deep inside she will know and you will feel better by telling her the truth. Whenever she ask about him in the future ask her would she like to look at pictures of him and let her remember what she will.Sometimes just a picture is all that is needed.My prayers are with you.



Bennie
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I don't envy your situation. Naomi's Feil's Validation methods might be useful for you now. If I can paraphrase, it's not generally a good idea to lie to someone with dementia, because on some level inside they know you're lying. On the other hand, it's also not a good idea to re-traumatize the person whenever they ask about someone who died. I think perhaps your mom should be told about your dad's death and allowed to go through her own intense mourning period - once - with you and any other close family members there. Maybe her mourning period on the conscious level will only last a few minutes or maybe she will remember - it sounds like you're not sure. I honor you for struggling to find the best option for her.

Would it be an option for you to set up a small community memorial service for your dad there, after you get back from the funeral? Then your mom could get whatever she can out of the service, but be saved from the difficult trip.

In the future, though, there's no point in sending her into fresh grief whenever she asks about him. If you can get away without lying, it's best. When she asks where he is, sometimes you can put the question back on her: "It's 2:30, Mom. Where do you think Dad would be at 2:30?" or "Today is Monday. What day did Dad's bowling league meet?" Another strategy that can work at times is taking her question as an indicator that she's thinking about him and wants to talk about him. The "validation" response in this case would be to spend time asking her about him, drawing out whatever she's feeling/ thinking about him at that moment.

These are just some possible strategies. In the long run, you know your mom best, and there's not going to be any perfect answer that'll make this easy for you. Good luck!

~ Linda
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree with creating a memory album. Research shows that this kind of mourning helps.

I believe in telling the truth.

I also think that those with dementia most need their routines and travelling might not be a good thing.

My father was angry, after mom died. No one told him what happened. He had delirium at the time, and was quite wicked. He didn't remember anything. Your mom has a right to the truth!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This is a heart-breaker. My mom had dementia when my dad died, and I had to tell her repeatedly that he died. I think she knew on some level, but she just couldn't accept it, even though she was in the room when he passed. Every day she would say, "Did he really die?" And yes, she did go to the funeral. We helped her with the cards, and she received Dad's flag.

Your situation is much more complicated. It will be painful, but I think your mother has a right to know. She will be confused, and the trip will be hard on her, but she also has a right to be at his funeral if you can at all manage it. The funeral may make it more real to her, also.

I even struggled with telling Mom that Dad was going on hospice, but the hospice people wisely told me that she absolutely needed to know (I knew she would immediately think death). And they were right. It was hard, but sometimes we have to do tough things, and boy this is one of them.

You have a good heart and want to do the right thing. And there's no perfect answer. You are the one who knows your mom and the situation best. But my feeling is that she needs to be told (maybe repeatedly), and if possible, attend the funeral.

Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother is aware that her husband, my dad, is gone. She often still cries about him and he died in 1982. She wanted pictures of him when he was young and in his military uniform. She tells me frequently that she misses him.

I don't think your mother will remember that your dad has died. Traveling from Japan to the US may be more than she is capable of enduring at 79. I would check with her primary physician to see if she is able to fly. If you do decide to make the trip, inform the airlines of her age and condition so they can accomodate you getting on and off the plane and with seating. Arrange for a skycap to meet your flight so she won't have to walk long distances.

When my uncle died, his older brother kept asking where "Mama and Papa were and why weren't they at LeRoy's funeral." Of course, his parents had been dead for decades. I don't think your mother would be aware of why you are at the funeral and who the funeral is for. I would spare her this information.

Instead, I would get her some photos of your dad. If she doesn't have one, start a photobook that she can look at when she asks about him. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss and at this point in her life, I would let her have the bliss.

My condolences on the loss of your father.

Julie Q
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

As a former nurse I would tell her that he died and leave it up to her if she wants to go to the funeral- but be aware she probably will not remenber that he died most of the time and it will be a constant problem her asking about but m you need to do what in your heart is best for both of you-only you can decide and then after you make a decision-you know you did what you thought was best and do not second guess yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am so sorry about your dad, My dad died in may he had dementia also he could not remember his parents passing away along time ago. Every time he would ask where mom was , I thought he ment my mom not thinking he ment his. well when we told him she died a long time ago , he would get upset and relive the grief and was angery for a while . so I would talk to a professional. It all depends on what you and your husband can handle, You are the ones that have to be her support after the fact. Well best wishes .But one thing You have to live with whatever you choose to do . so think about that. if you don't tell her will you be able to live with that choice later when your mother is not here. so think of all things you will have to endure. I know it was hard to see my dad go through that each time. but I felt he needed to know .just remember no matter the choice it will be hard, but you will get through it. take care

Sherry
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Oh my god, this is a tough one. I have a friend, whose mother has dementia. Her father died and her mother was told and did go to the funeral. Afterwards, she constantly asked my friend, where her husband is. She did not remember he died, and when my friend reminds her, she just relives the grief over and over again. She wishes, she didn't tell her now, but I think you need the advice of one of the professionals from this site. Sorry about your Dad.

Marylynne
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter