My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
Yes, you will feel sad that this is how things are, but what you were subjected to before was far worse and you still felt sad. We can't change what is happening. We can only respond. We can be compassionate and caring and still take care of ourselves. Additionally, you show a lot of insight when you say that your mom was likely subjected to the same treatment. Knowing that makes it easier to forgive her abuse. I'm so thrilled that you are doing well. Your note made my day.
Keep taking care of yourself,
Carol
Thank you so much for your supportive reply and insight. I took everything you said to heart. Coincidentally, I spoke to Mum's social worker at the nursing home and she echoed your points -- that I need to draw healthy boundaries to stay sane and that she fully supported that. See Mum when I can. Don't worry otherwise. Mum has to adjust and so do I.
Today I went to visit Mum and she was horrid. She pulled out all of the usual, familiar behaviours, accusing me of "throwing her away", and telling me that my kids will treat me the same way when I am older. Oddly, this time I didn't feel guilt, but I did feel sad. She even used the Chinese word for "filial piety", which is a horrible, abusive practice perpetrated on the younger generation in China since time immemorial. I know Mum was subjected to it as well, so I understand it's a value that is intrinsic to her identity.
I left Mum brooding to herself and told her I'd bring her grandkids to see her in a couple of days. I didn't feel badly walking away. A month ago I would've been a terrible wreck. I know Mum is safe and cared for.
Thank you again for your support and caring.
After a decade of caring for your mom, you've found a way for her to be safe and cared for and she's still making your life miserable. Even people who once had an even temperament can become nasty after dementia eats up the brain, but in some cases the nastiness was always there. You've had enough.
If she calls you more than once a day - and you know that she's okay - it's fine to not be "available" for each successive call. You don't have to be held hostage to her temperament even though she does have dementia. Please take care of yourself - guilt free.
Carol
"I should kill myself. With a son like you, what else can I do."
"How dare you do this to me. You deserve a bad life."
"When you're old your kids will put you in a place like this too, you'll see. And you'll deserve it."
"Get me out of here NOW. You're a horrible son."
This after caring for her for nearly a decade. I do understand that some of it is her dementia talking, but there's always been a nasty, mercurial side to her. She can be so mean, and shrill, and she feels justified. She can never be wrong.
I still do love my mom, and I want her to be safe and cared for, but I can't do it anymore, and with her progressing dementia and laundry list of physical ailments I wonder if it wouldn't just be better for both her and I that she quietly, painlessly passes away in her sleep.
Take care of yourself the best you can,
Carol
Take care of yourself,
Carol
Carol
So, currently, I believe in any state, you have to be divorced for 5 years before can claim anything for yourself. In other words, I am still responsible for him and all his bills for 5 years after the divorce, So we can rule out divorce at this point.
Next, yes, I can keep my house, my car and my personal belongings and, here is the kicker, I get only $ 50,000. for the rest of my life to live on- not $ 50,000 a year- $ 50,000 for possibly the next 20 years! So in reality you cannot afford to live in your house and pay your bills, taxes, insurance and on and on. So it ends up that you are forced to sell your house and guess what? Our state just passed a law that if you sell your house, you get to keep not one cent. The government in WI has now the right to take all your profit for the Alzheimer patient ( my husband) and so then the community spouse ( me) is forced to move into a rooming house, or anything dirt cheap so you can live on the measly money they give you, If you live another 15 years and try to live on the $ 50,000. they give you, you can use only $ 3,300 or it per year, if you want it to last 15 years. I have no pension. I get $ 760;/mo. social security. and that's it! I always like to explain to people who say, " Oh, you get to keep your house!" Yes, but who give you the money to pay the taxes, insurance and all the other bills you get when you own a house. It can't be done.
Thanks for your response, but getting back to the first basic question of wishing your spouse would die- I have to say " Yes". If he doesn't, which it looks like he won't as he is fairly young and physically healthy, due to his
$ 100,000 per year assisted living costs, diapers, meds etc. in 4 years I am toast! KM1027