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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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We all reach a point somewhere in the process of caregiving when we feel we “just can’t”.
If she is SAFE and receiving GOOD CARE in a residential setting, it may be best for you both if you stall for time.
If she has dementia, she may not be realistic about her expectations of coming home, and if she’s farther into the dementia process “going home” may have no meaning in relation to where she’s thinking she wants to be.
”Feeling guilty” is a waste of your time, your health, and your ability to make good reasonable decisions. It is never a tool, and NEVER a good basis for planning, especially when there is no way of coming up with a “good” choice, when all the choices you have aren’t good at all, as happens so often in the care of fragile elderly.
Think of what is SAFEST for Mom right now. When your Loved One is SAFE, you have the time to make wiser choices.
Everyone has their line in the sand and incontinence is a deal breaker for many caregivers. I personally would not want my child to have to change me. Don't feel guilty. If she is safe and being taken care of it's okay. Sometimes we don't get what we want; we get what we need.
Try changing your "G-word" from guilt to GRIEF. You are grieving. So will she. Is not this loss of one thing after another worth grieving over? For our elders it is loss upon loss upon loss of mobility, of continence, finally of their own minds and all that makes them who they are. And we witness this. We face our own limitations of not being gods, not being fairies with wands, of not being omnipotent and able to do a "fix it" on everything on earth. Please acknowledge and own your own limitations. Grieve it. Cry with Mom. Comfort Mom, and allow yourself you be comforted. Guilt is for felons deserving of it, for evil-doers who take joy in the pain of others; sorry, but you don't qualify, and they don't ever feel it. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. And for you, for your Mom, I am just as helpless to help you as you are to cure everything for one another. I can only just be sorry.
Of all my Moms kids, and there were 4 of us, I was the one that could be made to feel guilty. But when I was left with total care of my Mom and the responsibility of POA, I pushed that guilt aside. I needed to make decisions in the interest if me and Mom. I found in the 20 months she lived with me I was not a Caregiver. The unpredictability of the disease was one thing. I like organization and at 65 hard to change that. And doing the intimate things for her bothered me. I was going to place her a week in an AL to go to a nieces wedding. Turned out they were having a half price sale on room and board so I jumped on it. Eventually it was LTC. By that time her care went beyond what I was physically capable of doing. Yes, there maybe some things I could maybe feel guilty about, but I refuse to. Because, good or bad I was the one that was there for her.
So, if you feel you can't do it, don't. You eventually will only resent her. Better she stays where she is safe and cared for and someone else does the dirty work. Then you can just visit and enjoy the time with Mom.
I can understand her. Being an older male with incontinence problems. When it started my wife wanted me back in diapers to keep things dry. I will say after a few yrs have become more secure. Thanks
Change out G-words. Guilt is for felons, and they never feel it. Guilt is for evil-doers. You are merely human, not an omnipotent god, not a fairy with a want that cures everything. You are a human with limitations. Embrace them. The G-word you are looking for is grief. Grief that your Mom is failing. Grief that you cannot give up your own life entirely to her. Grief that you are witness to her suffering. Grief. There will be tears. For you and for her. And life is full of them. Not everything can be fixed. Own that you are human and will do what you can, but cannot do everything. I am so sorry.
I am caring for my mother Sandra, who is 83 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, stroke, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.
About Me: I’m trying to remember who I am since I started care giving for my mother three years ago. Im kind, patient and living person. Developing boundaries forced to for my mental being.
At what point do you say ENOUGH? I just can't and won't do this in-home caregiving gig anymore? Your mother has more issues than Newsweek and you have to ask yourself, "Am I QUALIFIED to care for my mother?" I think the honest answer is NO, you are NOT qualified to care for the woman at home anymore! Guilt should not come into the equation. REAL guilt would be felt if you took her back into your home and she died b/c you were not able to care for her properly, due to her myriad of health conditions. THEN you would feel guilty, as if you should have placed her in Skilled Nursing where professionals were left in charge of her care.
It's time now to have a good, honest talk with your mother about your abilities and what you're unable to do anymore. 3 years is plenty of time to have devoted to caring for mom, and now it's time to leave that care to the pro's. You've reached your limit and it's okay to admit it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If she is SAFE and receiving GOOD CARE in a residential setting, it may be best for you both if you stall for time.
If she has dementia, she may not be realistic about her expectations of coming home, and if she’s farther into the dementia process “going home” may have no meaning in relation to where she’s thinking she wants to be.
”Feeling guilty” is a waste of your time, your health, and your ability to make good reasonable decisions. It is never a tool, and NEVER a good basis for planning, especially when there is no way of coming up with a “good” choice, when all the choices you have aren’t good at all, as happens so often in the care of fragile elderly.
Think of what is SAFEST for Mom right now. When your Loved One is SAFE, you have the time to make wiser choices.
You are a good child.
Please acknowledge and own your own limitations. Grieve it. Cry with Mom. Comfort Mom, and allow yourself you be comforted. Guilt is for felons deserving of it, for evil-doers who take joy in the pain of others; sorry, but you don't qualify, and they don't ever feel it.
I am so sorry. I am so sorry. And for you, for your Mom, I am just as helpless to help you as you are to cure everything for one another. I can only just be sorry.
So, if you feel you can't do it, don't. You eventually will only resent her. Better she stays where she is safe and cared for and someone else does the dirty work. Then you can just visit and enjoy the time with Mom.
The G-word you are looking for is grief. Grief that your Mom is failing. Grief that you cannot give up your own life entirely to her. Grief that you are witness to her suffering. Grief. There will be tears. For you and for her. And life is full of them. Not everything can be fixed.
Own that you are human and will do what you can, but cannot do everything. I am so sorry.
I am caring for my mother Sandra, who is 83 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, stroke, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.
About Me:
I’m trying to remember who I am since I started care giving for my mother three years ago. Im kind, patient and living person. Developing boundaries forced to for my mental being.
At what point do you say ENOUGH? I just can't and won't do this in-home caregiving gig anymore? Your mother has more issues than Newsweek and you have to ask yourself, "Am I QUALIFIED to care for my mother?" I think the honest answer is NO, you are NOT qualified to care for the woman at home anymore! Guilt should not come into the equation. REAL guilt would be felt if you took her back into your home and she died b/c you were not able to care for her properly, due to her myriad of health conditions. THEN you would feel guilty, as if you should have placed her in Skilled Nursing where professionals were left in charge of her care.
It's time now to have a good, honest talk with your mother about your abilities and what you're unable to do anymore. 3 years is plenty of time to have devoted to caring for mom, and now it's time to leave that care to the pro's. You've reached your limit and it's okay to admit it.
Good luck!