The POA convinced his mother to move into a nursing home near his family's house several hours away from her home. When he brought up the idea of selling her house, she objected vehemently. Since then he has secretly emptied her house and it is now on the market. Family members believe he is within his rights (as POA) to do this and are keeping it all a secret from her. The POA/son says that she is "completely out of it." Although she clearly has short-term memory deficits and is uncertain about what year it is, her long-term memory is excellent and she remembers all the names and in-laws of her extended family and asks all the right questions. She is cheerful and has an excellent sense of humor and says that she likes her nursing home, adding that it feels like a hotel. The family members have been told never to tell her that her belongings and her house have been sold.
What is your professional opinion on this situation?
Stay out of it. She will never be returning to that house. It will be sold and the money used to pay for her living expenses. If I was her son I would ban you from seeing or talking to mom. You are just trying to cause trouble.
You don't seem to have much experience with or knowledge about dementia and memory loss. Her short term memory is failing and that 's why she thinks things are being done "in secret". The long-term memory is the last to go as the brain breaks. The reason they don't want you to talk to her about it is because it's like she's being told for the first time and it is is shocking, angering, dismaying and depressing for her.
Her PoA has decided that moving her into a care facility is the best solution. The house sale is what's paying for it (and care is very expensive). If you're getting all your information about the situation from the PoA's Mom, it is likely inaccurate or distorted.
She has a responsible person caring for her and managing her affairs. She says she likes the facility. She has a house that can fund her care. Is the family upset that they won't be inheriting a house? Please don't insert yourself into a situation in which you have no business and perfectly acceptable and legal solutions are in place.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/after-taking-his-90-year-old-mother-to-a-nursing-home-son-with-poa-is-selling-her-house-and-possessi-476148.htm
Did you forget? Perhaps you are also suffering from memory problems?
Were you hoping to get an inheritance from your aunt and now you're having a meltdown because her house is being sold to finance her care? That's the only thing that makes sense at this point, because it's really none of the "concerned cousins" business what's going on here, in reality.
If you are a loving niece, you should read up about dementia and how it presents itself so you'll better understand why she's living in an expensive managed care community and why her son needs a lot of money to pay for that care. Unless he has a money tree in his yard, he has no other choice but to sell off her assets to finance her care.
You need to butt out now. Really.
#1 It depends on what it says in his POA documentation. You'd have to assume it does allow him to dispose of real estate on his principal's behalf or he'd have had a heck of a job getting this far. [this is about whether he is entitled to sell the property.]
#2 It depends on what type of POA it is, but there again see above. [this is about whether he is entitled to sell the property *yet*.]
#3 It depends on an objective assessment of your aunt's mental capacity. This is not the on/off switch that so many families (and services too, they're just as apt to skate over this point) would find convenient, either. Strictly speaking, when assessing a person's ability to make a decision, the assessment must be: specific to the decision in hand, and supportive of helping the person to make the decision - there are at least three other conditions but those are the two biggies.
In this instance, the son broached the topic once, got a hard no, and then ignored the no and did it anyway. Is that ethical? In a pig's eye is it ethical. What he is doing, or more to the point the fait accompli that he has already achieved, is both UNethical and tactically stupid. This is the sort of course of action which makes elders afraid of creating POAs in the first place, to everybody's disadvantage.
There are two separate issues which need untangling.
1. Aunt's finances. Does her property need to be sold to fund her care? Maybe it does. Maybe it even needs to be sold in a hurry, maybe the family is bridging the gap. That actually isn't the point.
2. Whose decision it is to make. If it has become the POA's, which isn't yet determined, that still doesn't give him the right to do so without the principal's knowledge, ideally her agreement. He has then compounded this error by involving the entire family in gaslighting his mother. Here is a major subject of conversation that nobody can talk to her truthfully about, and then everyone agrees that she's out of it and doesn't understand because she's demented.
The boy's a fool.
He has exchanged one problem - which needed to be solved by telling the truth and negotiating on the basis of reality - for a whole can of worms of a problem entirely of his own creation, which cannot be solved, and whose consequences can be averted only if everybody without exception continues to co-operate in deceiving his mother.
You shouldn't tell her, and neither should any other well-meaning family member or friend. He should.
How long has she been in this nursing home? What is her current understanding about how long she'll be staying there?
Thank you so much for your answer, especially because it answered my question as opposed to attacking me for posing a question.
I guess there are a lot of people with meddling cousins out there!
I have in fact offered to help the son with the packing up. And I have not said a thing to him about the situation. I have not questioned him, challenged him, or criticized him, and I don't plan to. I have only questioned the ethics and legality of it in my mind, and actually wondered if he has broken the law in any way.
Yes, I fully agree of course that at this point there is nothing positive to gain from telling my aunt. It is a secret we will all keep from her until the day she dies. She has been lied to before to try to protect her, and, who knows? Maybe she already knows.
Thank you again for your (I think quite professional) insight, Countrymouse!
I especially appreciate Countrymouse's, which focuses on the legality and ethics of the question and not the impression that I am "meddling." My number one concern was regarding the law and elderly rights and all of the answers in this forum have provided a variety of takes on the situation.
And, yes, I am getting older myself and I did forget that I had already asked the question. I had not read the previous answers, and it seems quite cruel to me to use memory loss as an insult, as if that is a terrible trait that people should be ashamed of. Maybe I am going senile. It seems it does run in the family.
Of note is that there is plenty of money in the family and the house does not need to be sold in order to pay for the nursing home. I am in fact not interested in any inheritance whatsoever or in interfering with the process in any way. I have not said a thing to the son. And no one in the family is interested in living in the house.
I simply felt concerned about my aunt being lied to and wanted to check in with a professional to make sure that it is ethical and no laws are being broken. Thank you, again, Countrymouse, for focussing the ethics and legality of the situation. Rest assured, the rest of you with meddling cousins, I will leave this forum now and will not return!