How do I get my parents to a senior facility when they are in denial that they need help?
my mother and father, 89 and 88 are still living in a five bedroom 3 and a half bath stone colonial house in the Village of Swarthmore PA.(very upscale village)
let's start with my mother. she has had both hips replaced and can barely walk. she can no longer drive, but has a car (in bad shape, just neglected) in the garage that she still pays insurance on. it doesn't move and is in need of a LOT of TLC. she refuses to sell it and save the money she is throwing away on insurance for a car that doesn't move? She has never cleaned and the house looks it. urine smell all over. cat box (i don't even want to talk about it) she sits in front of the tv all day and watches it, or reads the paper that's it. she has fallen numerous times and if she cannot get a hold of the poor neighbors (i say that because they are right there, next door) she calls me or my sister. i don't know how she does the stairs, and if she falls, she won't break a hip, it will be something else and she will end up in a nursing home. I am trying to avoid that senerio.
okay now dad. He still drives (shouldn't be on the road) and works for a woman privately as a groundskeeper. he has been rushed to the hospital numerous times with kidney infections and a bad ulcer. it is always the poor neighbors again, or me , or my sister. we have to take his clothes when we drop him off at the hospital, or he just gets up and leaves when he wants to. when he was in the hospital, i had to cart mom to the store and for her perscriptions, ect. Dad has refused to take his medicine when he is suppoised to, and even told me" not to bother to fill them because i won't take them. he is getting weaker and weaker all the time.
Here is the problem. they will not move to ANY senior facility and they think it is ok to just go on living like this. I will not visit or eat anything in this house because it is so filthy, unless there is an emergency (and there always is)
they think nothing of asking me to cut the grass, weed the garden, ect, ect. I have my own house to take care of and my own family, plus I have my fiances mother living with us (she is the total opposite. sweet, caring and takes care of herself)
How to I get these two out of this house and into someplace safe so ALL of us can live in peace? POA is out. they trust no one, not even me or my sister. Can i call someone? are there people who can actually get through to them?
My sister and I have been trying for ten years now. we have scheduled visits to a senior facility only to have my mother say "oh, i am watching baseball now, i can't go". she always has an excuse.
please someone tell me where to turn as I am at my wits end here with these two stubborn old mules?
4 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Anyone else have an elderly parent half deaf, with mobility issues that REFUSES to go to assisted living?
- When should you move an elderly parent from an assisted living facility to a 6 person board and care?
- How do I know when it's time to put my spouse into an assisted living/alzeheimers home?
- Dr wants mom to go to a memory unit for care. Do you have recommendations on the features an inpatient care unit?
I agree that calling social services may be the only way to get something done. They have a right to live like this (unfortunately, in this case), but if a social worker can say they are unsafe and living there is unsanitary, there may be some way to force the issue. Otherwise, I'm very sorry to say, you may just have to wait for a very serious fall or other medical decision places on of them in a nursing home.
Please let us know if there are changes.
Carol
Your only choice is Social Services. I havent done that because I've been advised against it as outcome is expensive (legally, courts, lawyers, expert witnesses, etc) and you may likely sacrifice any relationship you have with your parents as they will be livid.
My mom is widowed (3 yrs) but my parents were always distrustful, drove everyone away with their "privacy" and it has been a nightmare with my mom being the one left. I worry about her health, safety, etc. but she is 90 and stubbornly living on her own. She has fired or refused any help I've hired over the last 3 yrs. She had 24/7 in home care recently after a hospital stay (psychosis) because she refused a memory care unit. She fired them after 3 wks. Police, Community Services Board, Physicians, Psychiatrist, Magistrate -- the system all failed her and me and now she is back to living alone without help; but when I call she is happy and likes "no longer having strangers in her house".
So I have let it go and respect her rights to live as she choses even though it is not in her best interest. Everyone knows the situation (drs, neighbors, police, etc.) so I let them make the choice whether to call in Social Services.
Advice:
Call your local Aging Center or Senior Services -- they will make you feel better and more informed about your decisions.
Talk to your parents' doctors, document your concerns, observations, etc. and mail them to the dr to have on record.
Set boundaries and stop worrying about "how" your parents should manage their finances, (car insurance, etc.) -- its out of your control for now, though wasteful.
Living in their home is cheaper than the alternative - so its not the best, but they are choosing to conserve their resources and even in-home care is expensive (mine was $480/day -- and that adds up!) Multiply that by caring for both parents for 3-5 yrs and its a lot. It is cheaper for them to be in AL, memory care, etc. -- but it will be their choice if they are still deemed competent.
Read some books: A Bitter Season is excellent to understand what you are facing and how it goes even if a parent is cooperative and you think they have monetary means.
Keep on this forum to learn more about caregiving, options, struggles, challenges, etc. It will give you tremendous support and knowledge as you navigate this difficult path.
God Bless.
Hugs to you and hope someone can give you the needed guidance.
I think that she needed and wanted help and wouldn't ask. Now that she is receiving care, she feels much better.