Our mom is 90 and lives alone. She has 4 daughters, the oldest is barely involved. Three of us are caring for mom but the oldest sister has very little to do with mom and does nothing for her care. But she wants us to keep her updated on everything which I wouldn't even mind but each update has her making recommendations and suggesting things to do. She has no idea what is going on or what state our mom is in on any given week. So I end up writing lengthy replies to address all her questions or tell her it's already being done. How do we deal with this? Btw this sister has an explosive personality and often leaves cussing and storming out from holiday events and other major events. I believe she has some kind of unaddressed mental health or personality disorder. I am exhausted from caring for mom, working part time (this same sister was off for a year during the pandemic while all 3 of us were still working and she did nothing to help. She has no children), trying to see my 6 grandkids and volunteering with my church and community and she is making my life even more overwhelming. What is the proper way to deal with this...I don't want to be cruel especially for my mom's sake who has always protected her and takes up for her.... also annoying.
Thank you for your insights from outside:)
Paula
That’s very frustrating. I suspect she cares, wants to be involved, but knows herself enough to know that she can’t handle any of the “caring for” herself.
Right now I’m looking after my father (in hospital after having suffered a stroke) and my mother who is pretty helpless. My brother lives halfway across the world, so is of little help but likes to stay informed.
I email weekly updates on Dad’s current progress and sometimes include photos. He usually ends up emailing me info that I already know (which I in turn ignore) and I rarely respond to his messages. I let him know in my emails how busy I am, and apologize in advance if I can’t respond to any questions (you might throw in here how if she really needs to know something, you’re sure Mom would love a phone call from her).
I don’t know if it’s just my personality, but I apologize and apologize, and ignore and ignore and go on my merry way. Like you I am BUSY (I also have a MIL with dementia at home as well as 2 kids under 8) so I can’t be everybody’s everything without a lot of sacrifice. I just keep saying, “I’m sorry if I don’t get back to you right away! Life is so crazy busy right now, but I’m doing my best!!!” That usually shuts people up.
Deep breath, and don’t waste your breath getting into it with her. It’s honestly not worth the headache.
She might be trying to be helpful when giving advice on how to deal with things. I'd take it as her way to contribute. She might have some good advice even though you don't have time to respond to everything.
You could just give her a quick, positive, vague response. Thanks for your input. Lots of great ideas there. Have a good day!
If she does nothing to help with her elderly mother's care, then she's not owed an explanation. Your other sisters are because the lot of you are working as a care team for your mom, so you all have to communicate with each other. If your older sister wants to be kept in the loop like your sisters, then she can start taking on some of the caregiving responsibilities.
If she wants to be apprised on your mother and what's going on, send her an email once a week. Have your sisters do the same.
If she's not going to be any part of the caregiving, none of you owe her a Q & A session whenever she demands one.
You and your sisters send her a group email and tell her very plainly that none of you will be bothered with her nonsense and demands because you're all busy enough doing all the caregiving for your mother with no help from her. Tell her she can put her "suggestions" where the sun don't shine unless she's willing to come and do them herself for your mother.
I'm sure she'll stop being so demanding if it means she may have to step up and start helping out.
Please don't do a group email. That's going to make her feel like everyone is piling on and will only make her worse and push her away. Is your goal to push her away forever?
Please keep it one to one and stick to the facts and not let feelings get in the way.
It's fine to tell her how you feel without attacking her.
She passed away quite suddenly a few years ago but before she did I had meant to read Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason. It looks interesting and has good reviews on Amazon.
My OS is an all-business type person. She does not waste emotions on much of anything. If mother has an issue of some kind, she does want to know, but it would be rare for her to step in physically and help. She'd be more likely to throw money at the problem, and that's often all it needs.
My YB has mom at his place. They have the weirdest co-dependent relationship I've ever seen. He will not allow her to do much. He also kind of ignores her basic needs. He won't allow any of us sibs to do anything, and sometimes mother will ask me, specifically to do a task and sometimes if I do and YB is in a bad mood, I get chewed out for it. Usually b/c he has dropped the ball and feels guilty.
Some people are simply better at the hands on stuff, some do the organizing better and some are best left to be 'visitors'.
Keep sis in the loop and if she wants more info, give it to her. I know my sis only wants to know if mother has fallen again, or needs something only she can do. Otherwise, it's pretty much radio silence.
You don't need to protect your mom from absentee family. It drives me crazy to hear how 'busy' all my uninvolved sibs are---we're ALL busy, but it's pointless to tell me that YS or YB can't do whatever b/c they are so much busier than I am.
Nothing new to report this week. Love ya
She doesn't need a play by play commentary on what's going on and if she does, well, I might give her too much information.
Mom has had 3 BMs today, approximately 10grams, 40 grams and 25 grams. So happy she made it to the commode because they were very stinky. Peed 15 times, used 6 depends that weighed a total of 35 oz each. Picked her nose, wiped her own butt. Burped after drinking water, dribbled OJ on her PJ's, hugged sissie and myself, scratched the cat and so on.
Honestly, unless someone is part of the care team they just need to be notified of a crisis or hospitalization. The day to day doesn't need to be shared.
Wanting *status updates*, wanting to *be involved* or *run the show*?
This may be handy to clarify - to minimise tensions & set realistic boundaries.
Some in my clan are anxious, some hare control tendencies, some are Anxious++ which leads them to be Controlling++!
Does this sound like your Sister at all?
What I'm saying is stop writing emails. Your sister has her own issues and is obviously used to getting her way through bullying tactics. You will never change her perspective but you do have a couple of options, pick from the menu below.
1 .Let your other siblings write the updates
2. Tell you sister she needs to start helping out or there will be no more updates.
3. Never give detailed emails. Keep it short and vague. Mom's doing great. Mom saw the doctor and he increased her meds. Mom mentioned she misses you.
4. Don't ever respond to a nasty email from her.
5. Ask her for specific help. "Can you please visit Mom next Thursday?" I have appointments and errands and she shouldn't be alone". "Can you start contributing to taking Mom to her appointments"? Be direct, Don't be intimidated or bullied. Leave emotions out of every conversation.
6. Give up the idea of ever pleasing her, and stop trying to.
7. In the final analysis, you know that you are going the distance with and for your Mom, and that will be a comfort to you all the days of your life. Focus on that, and eliminate the emotional charge of dealing so often with your sister and her mental issues.
I truly wish you peace on your journey of care taking.
The way I dealt with all the questions and suggestions was
"The doctors/nurses say mom is doing as well as expected."
The suggestions were dealt with
" I'll pass that on to the doctors/nurses".
That was it. No long involved explanations.
When I finally learnt this trick - whoa! What a different. I use 'doing well' or similar as a bland *Headline* 😊 No need to drill down into the story details. It takes practice (especially for a talker like me) but SO worth it.
It removes you from the drama the asker is stirring up.
Sounds like to me you are inviting trouble???
You're not understanding that not everyone has the ability to be a caregiver.
I'm not in any way trying to stick up for sister, I'm just trying to see both sides of the coin. You and your other sisters very well could have things covered in such a way that spoiled sister hasn't much to do? That's why she'd like updates?
What's wrong with suggestions? You could discover a trick that would or could make things run a bit easier for you. You don't have to give sister a detailed message everyday, but it's obvious sister is interested enough to want to know what is going on with mom. Sounds like your sister has a lot on her plate with her own life. Just because you have the capacity to do all you do, doesn't mean she does. It's your day so filled that you aren't able or willing to sit down for 5 minutes once or twice a week and send her an update on mom? You don't need to tell her every little thing. Just say mom asks to see you. Perhaps give mom a call, mom i is getting more fragile, mom seemed depressed today but snapped out of it when sister brought her flowers from her garden, etc.
Sounds like you should be grateful that sister doesn't help, because with her issues around mom, you might end up having more problems than it's worth. Then you'd be wishing sister would go away and you'd be happy to send her an email every so often. Don't expect her to be someone she's not. Be open to suggestions. That might be all she can contribute. At least she is trying to be involved in some ways. If the 3 of you girls need more hero, it's time to call a paid caregiver or put mom in a facility. Good luck to you all!
My older sister used to help with mom's care until her husband started having health issues, so she can no longer help as often as she would like to (she still manages to come by once or twice a week and keeps in touch daily), so I hired a caregiver. The other sibling (my other sister) comes to visit periodically (once every couple of months) and turns all of our worlds upside down. This sister also demands updates, goes through my desk when she thinks no one is looking, and basically just creates chaos when she comes to visit.
Mom has lived with me for 13 years and has vascular dementia; I've learned to "adjust my sails" and address issues as they arise. I've learned by trial and error what works and what doesn't, and have communicated that to my sister, which she ignores. Subsequently it takes us 3-5 days to get my mom back on track and settled down.
Honestly, I just don't have the time and/or energy to deal with her ridiculousness. I let her know when something big happens, but otherwise keep my responses to her inquiries about mom to "she's doing okay." The others get no information whatsoever. The phone/email/snail mail/roads go both ways--if they want to know, they can reach out and I'll happily give them an update. Otherwise...nope.
my belief is that the ones doing the work get to vote....the others are welcome to offer suggestions but do not have a right to vote (actually make decisions).
I do hope that this elder has designated who should make health care decisions for her and who will manage her money/assets if she is not able. Having a trio for those tasks doesn't go well. (and leaves room for this 'supervisor sister' to get. more involved in future)
The idea of brief neutral texts, pics of mom (maybe) 1 or 2 times/week at the most keeps sister 'informed'.
Acknowledging her communications is important, and you can promise to consider it.
Don't give it another thought.
Send her a text, as things are done.."changed Mom's med from _ to -"
" sponge bath today, clean clothes"
"Can you bring Mom dinner next, Tuesday?"
Maybe this will help her feel involved and not have so many suggestions .
Best wishes.
Loved your reply to PaulaAnn. I tried that. I welcomed them to stop by. I sent text messages with pictures of the breakfast, lunch and dinner table. I left the key if anyone in the family wanted to just come and keep her company on the deck during the pandemic. Sometimes the more you try to get people involved the less involved they want to be. Too bad some of us/them just want to say we're doing something even if we aren't doing a darn thing. The last time they saw mom was on her 96th Birthday and she's 98. Again people want to be included as long as they don't have to do anything so we just do what we have to do without offending our siblings or allowing them to stress us out.
Finally I told him to get his lazy @ss down here and start helping out or shut up. If he did not like either of those options I would get social services involved and get a restraining order against him. He would not like that as he was a free loader. He shut up.
Just inform your sister if she is so concerned then get her lazy @ss down and contribute or shut up. Then hang up. You have to be point blunt with low life's like this because that is the only way they will listen
Further more she is forbidden from any more family events until she behaves in a mature manner and apologizes for her childish behavior. It is not tolerated anymore. That includes her temper tantrums and foul language.
You must be strong with them or else the abuse will continue.
I know from a lot of experience, both mine and others I know that are in the same situation.
Just as Dad taught me:
No backseat drivers!
Either they drive themself or must shut up in the back!
Just as Grandparents taught me: if you don't bring your manners with you - you leave & return when you have.
As far as her suggestions, let her know that they will be considered if not already
There's no harm in giving sis updates, but just be briefer with her - mom had dr appt on xx day and he added med for her bp. Mom had bad week, pretty much stayed in bed all day - just doesn't feel good. She can reply and you can choose to answer that or not. Just keep communication coming from your end to her.
He BLEW UP. I mean, screaming at all of us---and this was meant to be a very low key, non confrontational talk. Just the 5 of us discussing what could be done to lift HIS burden and knowing how mom was doing. I think he felt attacked, although each of us told him how much we appreciated his work and support--(none of us wanted mom to live with us, we all voted for a ALF and he didn't agree and talked her into moving in with them.) 23 years now, and I bet she lives another 8-10 years. (She's 91, currently, and although she's beginning to fall regularly, she never really hurts herself).
He's exhausted, frustrated and depressed. After this debacle of a family mtg., we have not spoken as a family group at all. If he insists on being the sole CG and wants to complain about it endlessly, in spite of the offers of help from all sides--we just let him.
He won't share ANY information with the rest of us, but boy, does he get mad b/c nobody seems to show up to help. Well--we don't KNOW about needs. We can't just guess at what he/she may need. But that's what we have to do.
An email every week or every other week---would take 2 minutes. He refuses to do it and then gets angry b/c someone show up to visit and mom non-stop complains about what's going on. Doesn't make it so anybody wants to visit her.