How should I handle boredom?

Needhelp,

Thanks - I like the way you take the time to reply to every responder. I know what you mean about Siamese twins - my Mum has lived with me for over 20 years (Aaargh! - it's a long story) and my neighbours in our previous home started referring to us as the "mother-daughter couple" - I just about had steam coming out of my ears when I heard that. My Mum stuck looking after her own parents for less than 3 months before hightailing it back to her own life and friends abroad and leaving her younger brother to sort out finding a residential home for them. So I try not to feel guilty when I occasionally daydream about what I'm going to do when I have my own life back one day.

YOU SHOW ALL SIGNS OF DEPRESSION - get some help & then get back to your life - start by blocking out 1 to 2 sessions a week of 1 to 1 1/2 hours a week & that time is set -

Forget if there is 'something to do' because there is always something to do - plan on putting a load of laundry on then start doing your jewelry making - even if you get up for 3 minutes to put it in the drier then continue if this makes you feel better but that is it - this is your time & unless it is when there is an appointment with a specialist that is hard to reschedule then that is your time - if it helps do this when you LO is either napping or watch a favourite TV programme - but that is your start every 3 to 4 months increase it by either lengthening the time or adding other sessions

This will increase your sense of accomplishment & self-worth - it will give you a much needed release for your pent up creativeness - you may even become a better care giver after expanding you horizons

To avoid too much loneliness seek out a group/class on your interest so that you are meeting 'outside' people with a love of jewelry making or any other interest you choose to take up - good luck

I know how you feel and pray for all of us on this journey. I often wonder if I’m bored, depressed or angry at siblings who let me carry the load alone. I have built a virtual network with friends who are also caring for aging parents and we support each other, vent and share tips. This has been a great help. We all talk about how we feel - empty and numb and trapped at times. But also we
realize we made this choice to care for our lo. While others chose not too.

My old friends still invite me out and on trips - knowing I will decline because I can’t leave my mom alone.

I haven’t had the energy to hire good/compatible in home care for my 89 yo mom with dementia.
People wonder what is taking me so long to hire help - but they don’t get how exhausted you are from caring for somebody all day and working. And then how hard it is trying to sort thru all the options for care to find someone reputable, trustworthy and compatible.

I Wish my friends would —instead of inviting me out rather stop by and visit or even offer to drop by for two hours once a month or quarter and sit with mom, so I could go exercise or get a scheduled massage or run to a dr appointment. Most care agencies require 4 hour minimums. That would be the best gift. I often feel more alone when I have to turn down invitations —although I am also happy they still invite me - which gives me hope that I may have my life again one day.

My brother lives a few hours away and schedules and takes vacations constantly but wont find the time to watch mom regularly or let me schedule even a week off for myself. That’s been the case for over 7 years now. So I have given up asking and just decided to imagine I am an only child and accept any sporadic help he does provide as a bonus.

I am fortunate enough to work from home - which allows me to connect virtually with others —-while it’s still not the same as connecting in person, it keeps me sane.

Have you considered jobs you can work from home while caretaking that might keep you connected and motivated? The best thing I did so far was to not quit work to care full time. I can still save for to my upcoming retirement. Since I dont travel or go out anymore - I have looked at this time as a bonus saving period. Just hoping my health holds up so I can enjoy my savings and retirement one day.

The most helpful tools that I have found are - Amcrest cameras that allow me to monitor and talk to mom from anywhere day and night. And also vtech baby monitors that allow us to talk to each other from any room and even from outside. These keep me from walking to her room Constantly to check out every sound. Mom also finds comfort at night knowing that I can hear and see her. We even make a game out of my surveillance at times.

Caretaking is the toughest and loneliest job I have ever had. Dementia makes it even more of a challenge. But it is also the most rewarding and best thing I have ever done. I dont want to put anyone else thru what I am going thru and have bought long term care and written up plans for my aging future so no one has to take care of me. - being on this journey helps you to plan how to make it easier on others as we ourselves age.

Best of luck. Hang In there. You are not alone. Sending hugs. This sight has been a lifesaver.

NeedHelpWithMom: I know it's very hard - EXTREMELY. About pending death, my mother actually predicted her own demise - saying things like "It won't be long," It's almost time." She even prewrote a book entitled "Funeral."

I am amazed at how many caregivers on this site have been doing this for years and still maintain there sanity! I Became extremely bored at my moms house. And wondered how much longer will she live because I’m getting tired, my mind is mush and I too feel depressed. You are getting a lot of excellent advice from wonderful loving experienced caregivers. We came to the right place!

Yes. I understand. I feel that I am falling into depression taking care of my mom. Seems like no light at the end of this tunnel. Some days I have to push and force myself to be active and remember that my life is still going on. Live it by planning around caring for mom. Try going for some of the free classes at craft stores, call your friends (Reach out to people. They won't know you want company if you withdraw), buy and use/do activity and coloring books, jigsaw puzzles are also a winner. Can you leave the house? Schedule your activities as frequently as you can and follow through with your "take care of me"appointments.😅

Sounds to me like you need a change in your routine. Maybe the person you're caring for would enjoy a trip out side the home or gardening. Usually when one has hobbies time and money or illness interfere. Can you get away or take your patient out to shop or go to a museum or be around others? Maybe you can try chrochettinIg or something to keep your hands busy.
If you're feeling isolated maybe going our to a mall or a park where there are others.

Need HelpWithMom: It does sound like you may be depressed as lack of interest in things one formerly enjoyed may be a indication. You may need some low dose depression medication given by an RX from a psychiatrist. Although I wasn't bored, I was sad that I'd lost my dear mother so I got myself to a psychiatrist. Remember that not one of us is perfect and it's normal to feel these emotions.

We have moved my dad into a memory care facility. Their activities director keeps him very busy while I continue to take care of finalizing his divorce and securing his commercial property until we can have it cleaned out and sold. His wife filed for divorce after 43 yrs of marriage and moved out of state, leaving me with his care and all of the other messes they both created. I’ve also had to close his business and tie up all the loose ends there. Insurance, medical, bills, etc all while making sure his medical, physical and emotional needs are met. I’ve given up my fused glass art business and have had to cancel trips to see my grandkids. Im also caring for our dog that has bladder cancer and chemo treatments. I have been fighting depression. Thankfully, most of my family and friends have been supportive. But sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. I believe what you’re describing is depression too, not boredom. 🙏

After working in 3 hospices and later taking care of aging parents who eventually were placed in an assisted living facility, I reasonate with your seemingly universal experience. The irony is that there are thousands of us going through all of this while we feel isolated and that our universe is seems to be within 4 walls with an appointment book which is not our own. Anticipatory grief and the loss of self couple with fatigue can lead to a loss of a sense of self. Others try to be helpful by saying “get out and do something for you” while they know not the world you live in. So now what?
When ever you can do it, grab periods of time to sit and to listen for your soul to catch up. If helpful, journal to yourself or the many “selves” that live within you, which are quite normal but experiencing the harness that is placed on the caregiver. Whether we lovingly choose to be a caregiver or it is forced upon us by circumstance, we still experience this har;ess to some extent. Ask yourself, “who was I before I became a caregiver? What were my purposes in life? What losses am I grieving? Or projecting that I will grieve? Call a hospice with a Masters level bereavement counselor or social worker and ask for some resources about anticipatory grief. Read snippets of “The 36 Hour Day,” for identification and support. When you write out who you and and your purposes in life it helps to fill the void within. Use the journal or other idea as a touch stone to maintain contact with your own self even when it is difficult to leave. The mind gets tired and then cuts off the connection with self because of the state of “overwhelm” that tends to consume us. One other thing I thought of is the guilt button of,”my parents cared for me. Now it is my turn to care for them.” Caring for an aging parent especially with mental and physical health limitations is much more consuming than caring for a child. So give yourself some credit for entering this way of servanthood while not allowing the tired self within you fall into the trap of being a martyr which is counterproductive to yo7r soul’s health and relationships.

Peace,
Mark

I cry a lot and feel like I will never have my life back! I miss my daughter and grandson and lived only miles away from them. I miss them dearly! My sister and brother do not care to give me a break! The anger some times takes over and I cannot deal with either one.. I love mom and dad but, it's causing health problems for me too! I am retired also ;but you wouldn't know it.. Guilt has taken me over in Colorado! {and I am a Florida soul}!

Sounds like you definitely have depression going on too. Big hugs this is a tough job. the toughest part of this to me was constantly being “on” about being kind and loving and giving even when the circumstances push you in the other direction.

what helped me was hiring and working with other caregivers. The comradery, helping each other, laughing, struggling, working together helped bring me back to acceptance of this burden of love and a balance to my mind. So start by hiring somebody for the toughest part of the day. it’ll give you somebody to look forward to talk to who totally gets you.

and as an employer show them recognition by appreciating them occasionally. Treating them good will make them want to stay. They can quit whenever they want but you can’t. A little honey to a bee goes along way. Hang in there!

I took care of my mom for 17 years, but the last 2 she was bedridden on hospice in my home. At times I feared her outliving me. I took it one day at a time. Often the things I used to enjoy I just didn't feel like doing anymore. I suffered a spontaneous retinal detachment and had an eye operation. I never fully recovered central vision in that eye, but I can see most things fairly well. This scared me into appreciating my eye sight. I began by looking at colorful home decorating magazines, when I got bored with those I would pick up adult coloring books, especially enjoyed the ones with flowers. If one thing became hard to concentrate on, I would pick up another. The depression shortened my attention span so I created a basket with various things I could do. That got me through the 2 years of 24/7 caregiving. My mom passed away 3 yrs. ago. Now my MIL is failing, and though she is still in her own home, I am helping my husband deal with the uncertainty of each day. Also a big help to me was keeping a journal.

That's my problem too. How to handle the boredom. My husband and I just downsized to a small home and we were going to start doing some traveling but then I had to move my 94 year old mother home from the assisted living facility. Now......I feel like my life is on hold. My new house is small. There is just so much cleaning I can do or watching Netflix. I HAVE found ways to get out a little each week so I guess I should be very thankful for that. But the days it's just Mom and me are very long. I just feel like I'm chained to my house.

I feel guilty thinking about when my life will be mine again. I'm a young 63 year old and I want to be doing so much before I get too old to do the things I want to do. But at the same time I want and need to be here for my mother. It's just a vicious cycle of thoughts.

One thing as far as coping and not taking any kind of antidepressant I HIGHLY recommend CBD oil. I started taking it about a month ago and I feel so much better. My heart isn't pounding out of my chest when I go to bed at night and I don't wake up with that feeling of dread as to how the day is going to go.

I'm thinking of having my Mom sit on the porch and maybe planting a few plants in the front yard. I guess if there's a will there's a way to keep your sanity.

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one...... there are others facing the same issues I am. That what we're doing is the right thing to do even though it's really hard. It's kind of isolating at times watching everyone else live their lives while you are basically housebound the majority of your time. I wish everyone the strength to cope during this stressful time of your lives.

Thank you for your post. I, too, am dealing with boredom, taking care of my ex (I hate to call him that).
I used to make jewelry, as well as sculpting, drawing and painting and have won many awards for my work. I'd forgotten I had a life.

Ah yes, I have and do struggle with
those feelings.Sometimes I’m so busy trying to make her happy.I would forget what makes me happy.
I signed up for a 6 week course (beekeeping) one day a week 2 hours.I’ve asked a friend if they could be the emergency back of number as I date go to gym etc.They
can be very childlike and selfish so you much be stingy with information
because they will sabotage your plans.Best of luck,I’ve been there and I am there

Sounds like it could be both. Take your mom out if you can and spend a day with her each week doing things together outside of the house. It may help ease the boredom. If you think depression might be a factor, please talk to your doctor. Going at it alone doesn't help things at all.

I read books, exercise, and crochet. Sometimes play card game with my mom if she is up to it

I agree about churches. Many have senior groups. They do outings, pot luck dinners, community outreach work. It’s wonderful.

I remember seeing a special on television where two senior citizen women worked with a homeless outreach program at church. Oh my gosh, they were tricking the homeless to sign life insurance documentation and then murdering them to collect. They became millionaires. They looked like sweet little grannies. Was crazy! They did it for quite awhile before being caught. Those poor homeless people helped by those sweet, little old church ladies!

Panda, when I went to tour assisted living facilities it was interesting to see the planned activities and how some people stay involved and busy, others can’t due to various reasons or a challenging disease. Some just aren’t interested in socializing. They never have been. I don’t understand how my mom doesn’t desire to be with others besides me. I love her but want to be with others. Can have too much togetherness. I do think we need some type of mental stimulation or we go bonkers or get depressed. I feel guilty if I wonder how long this will last. I’m relieved when I see others feel that way too. We get stretched to the max.

Even went to meet the activities director in one of the facilities. She was wonderful and like a granddaughter to those residents. Maybe one day it will be possible for mom to go to a nice place. They are costly. The nursing homes are not good here. It’s sad. I don’t have expectations of a 5 star hotel. I am realistic but the care is not good. Charges brought up with some, neglect and abuse. Food is horrendous.

Lots of theft. My godmother would be sitting naked with a blanket on her. They couldn’t find her clothes after laundry day. Then they put any clothes they found on her, that didn’t even fit her. She lost so much weight and wasn’t big to begin with.

I think it would be hard to work in those places, depressing. After seeing my dad in the hospital I would go see my godmother in the NH. She had ALZ and didn’t recognize me after awhile, or my mom or cousins. She didn’t know any of us anymore. I hope I never get that dreadful disease. I’d rather be dead.

Homes are rated poorly here, just like the public school system here. I attended private schools. So sad. There are a few schools that have improved and just have to hope it will improve in the future.

Have read all the posts and I think the best advice is

talk to your doctor
get someone to come to your home when you want to go and do your thing (s)

if if your mother doesn’t like it tell her you need to do it. End of story

also couldn’t your husband watch your mum while you go out

AND I don’t understand why you just can’t sit on your porch. If you don’t hear your mother for a bit what would happen?

It’s amazing how quickly they manage to do without you here and there once you start

Goodness no. I lost interest in reading and music years ago and that was from being worn down by running a business and my needy three adult males
now I have joined a knitting group for one hour per week and an anything goes craft group that meets once a month. I have also started swimming 4times a week for at least half hour. It’s exercises all your body and it’s a quiet and solitary pursuit. Clears your mind
there is also an over 50’s group (I am 61) that meets once a month and we just blab.
Go to your place cal churches and councils to see what’s out there

I'm not a caregiver per se, but spend alot of time at home due to husband's health issues. Two at-home hobbies that have helped me: #1 genealogy - I get lost for hours on the computer looking up people, places, etc. My mom, who has dementia, enjoys hearing about my discoveries, which gives us more to talk about. #2 crocheting - I know one stitch that is easy and I find crocheting very relaxing. My completed lapghans (about $10 of yarn) are donated by our church to nursing homes, etc.

Ann,

Have to tell you that every response you write lifts my spirits and makes me smile. It’s people like you that bring me hope.

Music has gotten me through many tough times. Really beautiful way to communicate, isn’t it? The belief of music being a universal language is exactly right. 😊

Hi NeedHelp- I was a very VERY musical little kid, and when it came time to learn an instrument, girls weren’t allowed to play tuba because it wasn’t feminine.
I learned to play the clarinet, and majored in voice in college, then left music education and became a therapist, planning to begin playing when I retired.
By then, I had arthritis in two fingers, so no clarinet.
My FABULOUS grandson LOVES music too, and he led me back to my dream instrument. Life sure can be a trip!

NeedHelp, I wasn't suggesting you get help in the form of therapy where you talk out your problems, Hon. I was suggesting you describe this to your MD. If you are becoming clinically depressed, there may be pharmaceuticals that can help you. I don't necessarily mean antidepressants, either. I'm not sure what the dr might suggest, only that I know you don't have to feel stuck and there is help for you. Depression can become a downward spiral that feeds on itself. You won't know what the answer is until you try. Consider this your official kick in the butt: SEE YOUR DOCTOR. Who knows, maybe you just need an iron pill or a Vitamin B shot and then you'll feel all spiffy again! Go. Go un-doldrum yourself. Have a banana split while you're at it. ... what, are you still here? SHOO already! Lol. 😆

My aunt is 94 and still walks but dont know what time of day it is and she is so Confused this lil lady tries to escape we had to turn around all our door knobs!!!! !and then accuses us of stealing all her stuff !!!!she thinks the closit has bodies in it !!! And says she just got out of jail ,oh and thinks her mom ate dinner with her !! And the tooth floss she has to floss then gets it stuck in her teeth i got to pull it out with like pliers ,she steals a the mail,,oh she stold my grandsons homework ,she kicked him too !!my lil aunt is a bad girl !! Bad lil girl ! Yep we all laugh or we will cry lolololhaha oh ya she walks around naked tooo ooopps !!

Aww you are going to get through this maybe you can hire a caregiver to sit with mom and you and your husband can get out I have a really nice girl sit with the ladies so every once and awhile we can go do something really nice as a family ...then I try to switch off with my daughter I watch her son then she watches Auntie Thats even getting like my daughter dont want to watch auntie shes a little spit fire soo BAD my lil aunt followed me around the kitchen trying to kick me in her wheelchair today because I was giveing her the madicine her dr Prescribed . it dont hurt when she does the hitting and kicking.... but she might get hurt trying to act like KUNG FOO!! Its just un real

I’m learning to play the tuba. It’s a lifelong dream of mine and I love it more every time I pick the darn thing up. In a month or so I think I’ll be able to join a local community band.
Take some time to think of something you’d absolutely LOVE to do, then start researching it online until you can dip your toe into the water and take a baby step towards making your dream real.
I am an OLD WOMAN but once I got past THAT PART, I realized I was sleeping better, breathing better, and smiling more when I was playing. Now I practice once or twice a day, without fail.
You can do this! DREAM YOUR DREAM, THEN RESEARCH YOUR DREAM, THEN LIVE YOUR DREAM!