Today he got physical about it. I made the mistake of taking him outside the facility for fresh air. He said he would NOT go back in there and he would either drive or walk all the way home. Grabbed for my purse and pulled on my arm before staff came to the rescue and calmed him down. First time I've heard that packing is something a lot of residents do. The first time I unpacked him, hung up the pictures again, and so on. This second time I did not. It must be exhausting to keep doing this. Does it ever stop?
Some dementia sufferers do this in their own home, too. They pack their bags, thinking they need to get to a different home, so they're packing to go there. "Going home" is a common thought that many elders get stuck in a loop on when they have dementia. As their disease progresses, they may have access only to their first 50 years, then 40, then 30, and so on, until they go back to their childhood memories. This is not an orderly reversal – the person may remember more or less on different days and at different times during the day. Therefore, when they're back in time to being 20, they're looking for the home they had at THAT TIME; saying they 'want to go home', meaning that home they had at 20.
Ergo, why they're packing their bags all the time, if that makes sense.
Your husband may remember the home he shared with you and want to go back there, honestly believing you're there TO take him home with you. You just don't know what they're thinking when dementia is involved. You're best off not taking him off the grounds of the MC at this point, and limiting your visits to inside the building. If your visits are going to upset and agitate him, you may also want to cut down on them for a while. His doctor should be alerted if this is new behavior and perhaps a mild sedative can be prescribed. My mother (with advanced dementia) was greatly helped with .25 mgs of Ativan when she was very upset insisting her 'mama and papa' were in the MC building waiting for her but she couldn't find them. She was stuck in that loop for quite a while before I insisted on a sedative for her. It helped a lot.
Dementia patients go through different stages of the disease; so your DH may stop packing his bags at some point, and he may not. It's impossible to say. He may trade that habit for a new one later on down the line, who knows? He may enjoy being given a 'job' such as sorting nuts & bolts at the Memory Care; lots of men enjoy that, or even folding towels or washcloths. It keeps their hands occupied and their minds OFF of the OCD type thoughts that sometimes plague them
Here's a great article to read all about dementia; it's a 33 pg article and a free download:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
It will pass as his dementia progresses.
To you, the outside excursion seemed like a humane break. After all, the MC is not prison. But to him, it triggered his hope and then insistence on going home to not only a place, but a place back in time. It already got physical when you were dropping him back off at the MC. What happens if he starts doing that to you in the car?
Instead of taking him out, try visiting around the MC's special events. Ice-cream socials. Parties. Pet therapy. That is now you guys' special occasion, your special time out.
Sorry honey the roof leaks, we need to get it fixed before you come home.
Sorry honey, the street is torn up and we can't get there today.
Sorry honey, the carpet cleaners are in today and we have to wait for the carpet to dry.
etc.
In our particular, specific case, it became necessary to limit visits to a very brief period of time, sometimes as brief as “Hi, on my way to……..See you tomorrow”. Then LEAVE, to let the staff manage the fallout. We knew very soon after arrival that getting “fresh air” was a low priority for his ultimate adjustment.
Your husband needs to learn that he can (and must) relay on the AL staff to do things that he can no longer do on his own. You can’t help him or do this for him, except by supporting the staff and not lingering with him as he escalates.
If the residence staff includes a psychologist/psychiatrist, ask for a consult. A cautiously prescribed medication eased my LO’s anxiety and helped her to establish a comfort level with her surroundings.
She had entered AL in the spring, and by October, after a medical appointment off campus, we were grateful to find that she wanted to “go home”, and she meant her residence.
I wouldn’t enter into the packing-unpacking process. An uncomfortable and really pretty useless procedure on your part and possibly more distressing for him.
This does pass, and my LO grew to enjoy some of her time in “the hotel”. Hoping DH adjusts soon, for himself and for you.
7 months and we thought we were passed this but recently there has been some disturbance on the MC floor which is now making her start all over. Ugggh
Much wiser and experienced now (sadly). Mom passed 12 years ago and now my sister has the nasty disease.
Now I would just say things like... oh why don't we put these things back till tomorrow and we'll go then. My car is full of things for the farm. Or, I am on my way to the doctor, but will be back in the morning... "therapeutic lying".
Good luck.
We simply don’t visit. It sets her off, because she is perpetually angry. We’ve asked the ALF to provide a psychiatrist or neurologist to evaluate her, because we were not able to get her to go to a doctor prior to entering the ALF. They wanted us to take her to the doctor. Since MIL is combative with family, we could not do it. Finally, a psychiatrist visit was scheduled and she is on medication. We still can’t visit. She would persist with cards begging to be removed to DH. Knowing her past behavior, he’d throw the notes in recycling without responding. I finally sent her a card telling her that her requests were falling on deaf ears - her son throws her notes away. It is frustrating for him because the relationship with his mother has been poor for over 20 years and any interest in interacting with her went out the window when his father passed almost 2 years ago. He wanted to write her off at that point, but was the executor to his father’s estate and had to sell his father’s car and take care of some financial items for her.
Since I’m on the POA with DH, I push him for basic issues, but visits are out. Medical care for her is a priority, which she is now getting. She doesn’t have the forethought to pack her stuff up and try to leave on her own, which surprises me.
MIL would have ended up in one of the state run mental institutions without prodding to get her into the ALF. The ALF is a better place for her. She keeps her dog, and it is a nice place even if she hates that she can’t continue to be the hoarder she was before.