I am an only child caring for my mom. I'm writing a book to help other only children who become family caregivers. Are you an "only"?

Being an only, feeling like an only. Many here have siblings but they become the caregiver and might as well be an only. More often than not that is the case. Other sibs go on with their lives while one takes on all of the care.

I believe there is another tread about “onlys”on agingcare that you can read if you find it, But, in any event, I am an only. Yes, I am! And we all know the road is not exactly smooth, plus my mom who is the person I care for, has a rather difficult personality and is having a terrible time with aging from every point of view.

My mom is the essence of control and independence, and when you age those are assets very hard to keep, the trouble comes when you lose your capabilities yet, you struggle to relinquish any control or give up any independence. I feel for her, and my heart breaks seeing that this is a decaying process that I cannot fix, not even with all the love I have in my heart for her. That, is the most difficult part of this journey for me.

As far as how I am navigating it, I think a very key aspect is to really come to the realization that your loved one is ILL, but to really understand it. What I mean by ill is not only that she (my mom) is facing a tremendous daily struggle from a physical perspective, plus has had to face terrible challenges that deeply affect anyone’s body and mind, such as cancer.

But what I mean by ill goes beyond that, it includes her emotional and psychological stability plus the fact that she leads an intense battle with herself for “all she knows and wants to do” but she simply cannot anymore. So, summarizing it, I am dealing with someone that is physically, mentally and emotionally ill. And by the way, you don’t have to throw dementia or Alzheimer’s in the mix to justify the emotional and mental illness part, aging in itself can, and does, change life completely.

This process has actually made me very afraid and at the same time very conscious as to what aging implies for all of us. And what I can do to help myself to have a better aging process and more than anything to avoid changing someone else’s life as well as mine as the result of aging.

Once I really understood that “my mom is ill”, my perspective on everything related to her, her reactions, actions, thoughts, etc, changed. I positioned myself in a sort of ‘upper level’, that allows me to, most of the time, stay above whatever she says that might be hurtful, or whatever she does that might sabotage the little control I’m attempting to have. If my mom is mad or hurt and upset with no well founded reason for it, I just say something like “I’m sorry mom that you feel like this, you know I love you and would never do anything to upset or hurt you“ she either gets more upset, or wants to engage in a super long dissertation about all the negativity in our life, or actually finds some peace in what I said and we move on! Whichever her reaction..my reaction is what matters, and mine is to stay calmed, avoid emotional explosions (that is what she is looking for, and it’d be pointless) and remain as loving as I can.

The second very important key aspect is to realize you are one person. That means: organize yourself so you can do all needed and make sure to have some time only for you (me:). For example, every time I go to the supermarket I always seat down at a coffee shop and just read a book or call a friend and laugh until I am finished with my coffee. Now, my mom is always very nervous and..also controlling, so she will get concerned and upset if I take longer than usual...hence I always take some additional time, to establish consistency :)

Finally but not third in importance, is to learn to forgive oneself, at least for me, this is key. I feel I fails so much, so many times, so drastically! That I need to remind myself that 1) I’m human 2) In general I’m always trying my best 3) I am coming from a place of love and my ultimate goal is never out of my mind 4) God knows me and knows my mom. He knows we are both struggling, His mercy will always exceed our mistakes.

And lastly, as a woman of faith, my key-key in life is GOD. He holds me, He protects me, He never leaves me!! My trust in Him is my fuel.

Not an only, but I might as well be. I'll bet you find that when it comes to caregiving there's usually one child who does the lion's share or all the work.

Glad is right.
I am an "only" by default if that is the correct word.

Hi I’m a 57 year old only. This is so hard. The enormity of dementia is all on me. I have a super good husband and daughter . We are all getting past the point of my mother with dementia living here. How I stay sane? I get help. About 6 weeks ago, my mother stopped bathing. She no longer sleeps in her room. She’s in the family room. Tv on all night. She has recently started to open my bedroom door and my daughters to look at us. I now have aides bathing her and I clean toilets daily. There is so much sadness and guilt. I think most only children have been the center of their parents lives. And as such , smothered. We have a lone wolf life compared to our friends with siblings. Our parents became our friends. From day 1. It was always the 3 of us. Not saying people with more than 1 child aren’t as close. It’s just when you are the only, all expectations are on you. Be pretty, be smart be the best. And now , I can’t be the best, because her dementia is something I can’t fix. I’m looking for placement in early spring.

I’m an only. I moved my mom from CA to live with us 2 years ago. She is 91 and frail, doesn’t walk well but otherwise healthy. About 3 months ago, my husband also moved my mil in. She is on dialysis, has a bunch of health issues and vascular dementia, but only 78. She has loads of aides and PTs in the house to help her and my mom just has me. They also hate each other and my mom likes to separate everything from mil stuff. I feel like I have lost my life and my husband to this woman, she is a vortex that sucks everything out! My mom tries to help herself but mil just waits around to be catered to. Breaks my heart to hear that my mom hates living here with her. Her last years will be spent in just hating her.

Being an only when care giving can be extremely draining. But there is less of
the family drama to deal with. Unfortunately my Dad loves drama so stirs it up with friends care givers etc., which has been very stressful. My heart goes out to those who have to be the sole care giver with callous or drama prone sibs. Hard enough to deal with non relatives. I wonder how many de facto onlys there are doing care giving for parents despite having a larger family.

I'm an only.. and my parents moved in with us suddenly when my mom became ill, and it was horribly apparent to me that dads ALZ was much worse than they left on. Planning ahead when hubs and I bought this house I figured one set of parents would be with us.. I was correct. Dad passed after about a year, and we still have mom at 88 and super frail with us. I am often glad I am an only.. I see all the drama on here with siblings.. NO way for me. I am very organized, and when hubs was downsized it made sence for him to stay home and "take care" of mom without her feeling like we needed a Babysitter for her. Is it easy.. No. Do I get stressed.. yes.. But my parents were smart and made me POA for everything, and trusted me to do it right. Does Mom always agree? Nope, but she does trust me and that helps. I am also co owner on every account she has, and plan to do the right thing going forward. One thing that helps me out is my aunt, who comes to visit every other month., and takes my Mom for a visit fairly often. The other thing is that we are blessed that she has money, and so do we, to afford this. I could not do this so well otherwise. I truly feel for people who are caring for parents who did not plan ahead. I can not imagine being in my 20 or 30s and doing this. I am 60 and my hubs is 61

Yes, I am a 42 year old only child (daughter) caring for my 91 year old mother. My father is deceased.

My answer to what is getting me through this and keeping me sane is going to sound horribly cynical but it's the absolute truth.

The answer is money.

The reality is my parents did not plan AT ALL for old age. My career is the only thing keeping my mother's life afloat.

I used to think a $500 splurge on a new handbag was a big deal. Ha! Every breakdown of mom's health and mental status typically requires a couple thousand a pop by the time it's all said and done.

And as the pressure mounts, I started worrying about my own health. Especially after the anxiety & high blood pressure diagnosis. Now there's a need to fund a therapist, and I'm taking yoga classes when I can squeeze them in.

Without money, mom would be out on the street and I'd probably be on heart medication.

I am an only child. My father passed away almost 3 years ago after a horrible year long battle with liver disease. During that time they lived an hour away, my mom has always been the "sick" one and had no understanding of how sick he was. She spent most of the time canceling his doctor appointments so that he could take her to the doctor. When he was in ICU, all of the care decisions fell on me as she did not want to come and visit him or participate. He had a very clear living will on what he wanted to happen and I followed that by asking for pallative care and making his end of life decisions. My mom now lives in an independent living facility near me, we pay for medication aides and a driver to help her maintain her life there. She makes friends there easily when she wants to and they love her, which is nice. She can turn on the charm when needed. But, when the doors close she turns off that charm and says horrific and horrible things to me. I am pretty much at the end of my rope, I am glad she can afford her level of care. But, sometimes she likes to shop too much and I have to remind her that she has a budget that she has to abide by and then she gets mad at me.... again. I have a wonderful husband who really tries, but she just tries to turn on her charm with him when he explains why her cruelty has hurt me. I have read about how dementia can cause some of this, and will be getting her an appointment to see if she can get that diagnosis. But, the difficult thing is that she has always been mean and hurtful. This behavior is not new. I take some comfort reading what others have written, so thank you for sharing.