I am the only child who lives in the country providing support for my parents as my Dad continues on a very challenging cancer journey. The ups and downs continue to overwhelm me and on top of that I started a new job which is extremely stressful. I continue to have anxiety attacks and have lost 7 pounds due to stress. Need some coping mechanisms and insights into others who have and are managing this challenge. Thanks!
Second, if your job allows, see if you can adjust your work schedule to give you time off during office hours to make phone calls. I went to a 6:00a-3:00p so I had at least a good hour and a half to make/receive calls each office day.
Third, can someone else handle immediate problems during your working hours? A friend of your father? Someone from church? Maybe hire a case manager or an Angel? Your father is very likely going to need someone to be with him at least during chemo/radiation treatments and a day or two afterwards.
Fourth, get two notebooks so you can write down things you need to do or follow up on. Use one for Dad's care and one for work. When you are stressed out and short of sleep it's easy to have short term memory issues. Writing stuff down and crossing it out as it is handled can be a great help keeping you going. I started keeping up with stuff on computer lists but moved to the notebooks when things got really stressful, partly because something about writing was calming and partly because at one point I walked from a meeting to my desk knowing I had 3 follow up items and for the life of me could only remember 2.
Fifth, separate work and care giving as much as possible. Open that work notebook and focus on your work during your working hours. Close that notebook and open your care giving notebook when you are providing or arranging care giving. As much as possible, separate the two. After the care giving day had ended, I often spent a few minutes reviewing the notebooks and completing any half done entries.
Six, make time for a couple of walks in your day. While going to the gym or a class will probably not work out during this time, you still need some exercise to manage your stress. Even if it's just parking your car a little farther from the office door or getting off the subway/bus a stop earlier, get a quick walk or two in each day.
Seventh, find some short term stress relievers that work for you. Some deep breathing and drinking a cup of coffee on the porch works for me. Sometimes stepping out of the room and focusing on some pleasant memory. Reading for a few minutes or listening to a favorite song helps too. Reading while in a soaking bath always takes my stress levels down and is calming enough to let me get to sleep.
And finally get as much sleep as you can. If you have a chance to take a nap while your Dad is napping, take it!
Do you go for walks? That will help a lot too. Can you get FMLA from your job?
Let HR know you are taking care of your dad. The doctor's can get that for you FMLA paperwork for your job. It is very stressful working and taking care of a loved one. I work and take care of my husband too. I pray a lot and try to get some me time for myself. You need to take care of yourself first. Do not feel bad about not being there all the time. Is your Dad on SS or something. Medicare will help too. Your a awesome child for stepping in to take care of your parents.
God Bless You!!
Prayers:):):):):):):):)
Do you think that your new job will become less stressful? If not, perhaps you should consider looking around again. Your father’s cancer journey will become more difficult, not less, and that’s not a good fit with a stressful job. If the job stress is just because it’s new, can you ask your boss to suggest a mentor to help you over the early stages? You can explain your temporary needs, without giving the impression that you can’t cope.
Have you tried a relaxation or meditation tape? At a minimum, find times to give yourself 10 minutes lying down, focussed on breathing slowly, and thinking about something pleasant – a view, or a scene from a movie or book.
Best wishes at a difficult time, Margaret
sorry you are going thru this. Chin up 😊
I feel your stress and your pain.
Although I’m not any only child, I am the “only child” that helped and helps out my parents...my whole life so far. (As of today my older sisters are practically Grandparents and don’t live in the same city as us but no one helps financially either).
I lost my father about 15 years ago to a battle with 2 types of cancer (lung & colon). I was working and had to resign to assist my father back then, back & forth to doctor & specialist appts, radiological exams, 3 surgeries within 10 months, dealing with paperwork/insurances (what a headache) etc, etc! It was extremely stressful while trying to work full time, my company was too small, no FMLA either!
Now since last year I became my mother’s full time caregiver after her Multiple strokes she was diagnosed with Vascular dementia and could no longer stay at home alone all day, so here I am again, resigning another great job to take care of my parent. I can’t afford help (neither can she) so no breaks for me at all and at times it’s really taking a toll on my life especially now with the Pandemic as well. How am I paying my own bills? Through my savings account (My life’s savings) that I’m slowing watching deplete since no more income coming in. I have no idea what I’m going to do once it’s gone...apply her for Medicaid? Go back to work myself and have no choice but to trust some stranger with the most precious thing in my life.
I think the only thing that’s holding me together right now is my Faith. Sharing stories and obtaining tips on this wonderful site, reading about other ppl experiences helps a lot too.
I try to cope with things I like to do and try to include her in the activities as well. I love to cook & bake (she helps prep), Arts & Crafts is a favorite, like painting wood objects, suncatchers, and on canvas. I love dancing/exercising to music, reading a good book (in between a dozen other tasks). I take her out on nature walks...sometimes with her walker/stroller, sometimes in her wheelchair if she’s not up to walking too long.
I know it’s easier said then done, however find a way to de-stress. A new job is stressful until you get the hang of it, however it shouldn’t be stressful after that phase. Taking care of family with medical issues is very stressful at times, if you can afford it hire some help part time.
Good luck, and stay safe!
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