in the past few visits I have noticed a fecal odor on my mother...She is 91 and lives in her own apartment and up to this point, other than being nasty ( her whole life ...NPD) and increasing short term memory loss she had been managing fairly well with household tasks. checkbook and preparing simple microwave meals. She lives in a beautiful retirement community. She has an anxiety disorder which she refuses treatment for and has heartburn from worrying about everything under the sun. She does not follow her Dr recommendations. I tried to kindly ask her if she has bathroom problems from worrying and she blew up at me. She has been using Poise pads but I have ordered incontinence briefs ..if I tell her I got a free sample , she may try them. She is mad at me because my husband and I are going on our one week vacation.We do that only twice a year . My brother does not help with anything. She is hateful toward me and she hates my husband because I got remarried after caring for her and my dad the past 15 years ..as well as working 2-3 jobs to raise my now grown sons and put them through college. They live out of state and she is jealous when we go visit them and my granddaughters . The one time we took her along she told the whole family that my husband " makes me work" and was lazy in front of him. Couldnt be further from the truth..I chose to find a part time job after retirement to stay engaged in life, and he was a barber working over 60 hours a week until health issues caused him to retire. She actually told me I was selfish to concentrate on my own life ! Praying for the end of this nightmare and hateful woman before she puts me in the ground ..She is 92 and I am 67 with a lot health issues ( which she accuses me of making up..even when I was hospitalized numerous times the past several years! ) She was always very verbally abusive when my brother and I were kids..and verbally and I suspect physically abusive to my wonderful handicapped dad.Looking for help. Feel like Im at my breaking point and am angry , resentful and hurt .
You feel like you've reached your breaking point because you have. Don't ignore it. Step back from her for a while and give yourself a break.
My mother was also verbally, mentally, and psychologically abusive. I reached my breaking point with her and didn't see or speak to her for almost six years. In fact, I didn't even have her at my wedding when I remarried. I'm her caregiver now because it's mutually beneficial to us both. She knows that if I want to stop being her caregiver, she gets placed.
I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. That long experience has taught me to speak plainly on everything because when you do it takes the embarrassment and shame out of issues like personal hygiene. Speak plainly to her. It's like pulling off a band-aid. You just have to do it.
Don't politely inquire if your mother has bathroom problems or suggest that she might try an incontinence brief sample that you received in the mail. She's going to go off on you. Tell her plainly that she smells like sh*t and it's a problem. Then give her the incontinence briefs and tell her to wash up and if she needs your help doing that to just let you know.
When the snide nastiness about your husband starts or the hurtful and lousy comments to you, speak plainly then too. Tell her that you will stop having contact with her of she's going to behave so badly towards you and your husband. Then leave. Don't take her calls for a while either. Trust me, a little tough love goes a long way.
Whether dementia or depression or no longer being able to smell her own body odors, you are allowing yourself to remain, in your own thoughts, as her sad, needy, responsible little girl.
Time to focus instead on your loving and generously interactive husband and sons.
If you have made appropriate arrangements for her maintenance, as you appear to have done, you will need to excuse yourself from your position as her whipping girl.
Your real job is to do whatever you can to remain a healthy interactive doting spoiling GRANDMA, and enjoy every minute of the lovely times you have with the grands and your sons and DH.
If you feel yourself being pulled into her web, remind yourself that any energy you use to try uselessly to please her won’t be available for your Loved Ones, who deserve it.
Start as soon as you read this to treat yourself as a kind lovely woman should be treated. BIG HUGS!
Can you hire some aids for her that can help with personal care, etc.?
I would not tell her that you are going on vacation until just before you leave. Why give her more time to give you crap about it?
Don't argue with her nonsense about anything. Back off. Do you think. she has dementia? Has she been evaluated? At 92, I would assume most people have some level of it which can be the reason for some of her behavior, on top of her life long issues.
Do you provide much care for her? What can you offload to a hired aid?