Hello everyone. I just received my 6th phone call in 2 months from a state trooper because my mother crashed again. She’s done this 10+ times over the past 2 months. Her drivers license was taken away twice, she thankfully hasn’t hurt anyone in these crashes, or hurt herself, but she refuses to stop driving, and keeps lying to law enforcement, basically whatever she has to do so she gets away with it.
Her history: She’s always been a liar, but now with age she’s gotten worse. She used to be a drug addict (worked in the medical field and had access to rx drugs, and used to lie to get oxys etc.), and now that’s also left a toll on her body, since she got Parkinson’s, but the mental part is she lies. Always has, always will.
She lives with her husband a 3 hour drive from me. Now I have a baby and recently was diagnosed with a brain tumor so I can’t care for her. Her husband is 10y older than she is and just doesn’t gaf. She has totaled 4 cars and he just buys her a new one. She crashes because she’s always been a terrible driver, and only started driving 20y ago when she moved to the US. In Europe, where I’m from, she never got a license because she just can’t focus on the road.
So now she’s gotten worse when it comes to Parkinson’s and her new neurologist thinking her movement issues are due to drug use and stopped her levodopa. Which is a mistake, imho, but I have no authority to say anything.
My husband disabled her car last week because she crashed into a store, and I thought we were good, but today I get a phone call that she’s been in a crash caused by her again.
What can I do? Is this just going to end when she kills someone and goes to jail, or kills herself?
It’s so frustrating since she’s able to live otherwise: she can take care of herself, her pets, home, etc., they have a lot of money, I’ve set up PCA’s, food delivery, cleaning etc., but she just won’t quit driving no matter what. Like it’s her obsession. The police won’t do anything, they just give her a citation and let her go like 10x now. Her husband buys a new vehicle and the circle continues.
She will never willingly go into assisted living, she won’t let anyone drive her around, she won’t take a taxi, bus, Uber or anything, because she’s a narcissist and thinks she’s the best at everything, especially driving and everyone else is to blame for the crashes.
Any ideas? I’m out of creative solutions. I just don’t know what to do. Thank you. Sorry for my rambles.
How about telling the neurologist what’s going on . Maybe he can tell her not to drive and report her to motor vehicle .
I agree that the police should take her license away permanently . There was another recent poster who was also getting phone calls about a parent from the police . It boggles my mind . You are not your mother’s parent , your mother is not a teen driver. Why do the police call the elderly’s adult children about this ?
Does her husband have dementia or something that he does not understand she can not drive, and just lets her get a new car ?
I understand your frustration, I feel we will be in a similar situation soon . Hopefully someone here has more suggestions .
I advise you to never take on POA for your mother . When she is not able to live at home call APS . Let them handle it because like you said , she will refuse to go to assisted living .
If I read correctly you are the one with the brain tumor not your baby . Either way , you need to concentrate on you and your own family . I wish you a full recovery .
If I was you, I would step back as much as you can , call APS to see what they can do , and your mother’s County Area of Aging .
Good luck.
If you aren't your Mom's PoA and her husband keeps enabling her, there's really nothing you can do. In fact you should stop providing anything for her.
"... they have a lot of money, I’ve set up PCA’s, food delivery, cleaning..."
Why are you doing this? This is called enabling. Step away completely. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You can't be her solution.
The police can only respond to broken laws. They won't take away her license permanently -- a judge does this when she breaks a lot of laws. Don't rescue or bail her out for any reason. Any.
It won't feel good. It won't be easy to resist her appeals to manipulate you into enabling her. But it's the right thing to do and it's the only thing you can do that will actually be productive, and eventually things will collapse and she'll wind up in facility care when both her husband and the law have had enough of her nonsense. Do not go there to take care of her if she's got a husband AND money. Take care of yourself and baby only. May you receive peace in your heart.
It’s just unfortunately that the police contacts me because her husbands phone is off all the time, so I’ve been using junking about telling the police to not contact me since I have no legal rights and honestly don’t want anything to do with her legally. I’m just mostly torn because I don’t want anyone else hurt or killed, since I would feel guilty.
Regarding your Mother,
this is a duty of care vs freedom issue.
You do not hold duty of care for your Mother. You are not her Guardian. Her behaviour is not within your control.
Yet, as you can see real danger looming, you wish to act.
Understandable!
Your Mother has Parkinson's Disease. This is a progressive brain disease. It can bring mild cognitive impairement for some, dementia for others. Not just loss of memory but lack of mental flexability & lack of understanding consequences. Is that what you are seeing?
As a family, you may wish to discuss what to do, together.
If Mom lacks insight to her illness/situatuon, her Husband may need to take a step up & arrange supervision & curtail her freedoms.
Everytime the Police call you, refer them back to Mom's Husband. He is the one going to be left with the financial mess when car insurance will not cover her. He must act.
This seems like a longstanding mental illness in addition to the Parkinson's.
I hope you can get her off the roads.
And do not be involved with your mother at all . Like another said , don’t bail her out.
It’s out of your hands .
Take care of you and your baby .
"that is terrible, I am sorry to hear that I hope no one was hurt. I am not responsible for my mother"
The last part of that statement is important. YOU are NOT responsible for your mother or her actions or her decisions.
Make it clear to her and her husband that when she does seriously injure someone and or causes serious harm/damage that you will NOT take them in when they lose EVERYTHING in the lawsuit.
I would guess that she is not insured so this is a very good possibility.
Think of the numbers of people doing exactly what she is doing who have no family members at all to intervene. They are likely legion out there.
You currently have too full a plate to take this on. You need to understand that to your core.
Unless your mother provided your phone number to law enforcement, I cannot imagine why they called you and I am hoping you ARE NOT her POA and that you never attempt to take this on. Clearly her husband cannot control here. She should likely be in care. That is HIS problem, not yours.
You tell us this:
"She lives with her husband a 3 hour drive from me. Now I have a baby and recently was diagnosed with a brain tumor so I can’t care for her. Her husband is 10y older than she is and just doesn’t gaf."
1) You are dealing with a brain tumor.
2) You are dealing with a baby.
3) Your mother has a husband.
You need to let this go.
The very most I would do is, when next law enforcement calls, I would tell them I am not involved with my mother. Period. End of sentence. I would give him/her the history and suggest mother be locked up if that's how they can keep her off the street.
Given no calls from law enforcement, you should consider calling APS and suggesting they open a case here, and let them know that you are dealing with a new baby AND a brain tumor and cannot intervene.
I wish you the best for your own health. As to your mother I ALSO don't gaf, and I only hope she doesn't injure someone before she is placed in care.
You depend on the police to assess that she is a danger to herself and the public.
They are the ones with the authority to stop her and since they won’t, the public will continue to be in danger from her and you pray every day she doesn’t kill herself or anyone else.
Then say your brain tumor is hurting and hang up and document what you said.
Maybe talk to her husband? Tell him that he is enabling her. That the car needs to be sold or stored off the property. That your Mom should not be driving and she is going to kill herself or someone else. Please, stop replacing her cars.
I don’t say this lightly, I know how hard it is to walk away but under the circumstances, you must for your own well being and for the sake of your child.
'Keep letting her drive and you will both lose everything. Don't let her dangerously asinine nonsense about driving lead to a cardboard condo in an alley somewhere becaue you lose your home to a personal injury claim.'
Also, tell the state police to never call you again. Let them know that they are to call her husband and not you.
I don't understand how she's able to get all these vehicles she buys insured and registered if she has had her license revoked. No insurance company will insure a driver if they're license has been taken away. So this means, every time she totals another car, it's not covered by insurance. I don't think her husband is going to drop thousands of dollars every few weeks to get her a new car. No one is that stupid. Either you're leaving out a huge piece of the story, or you don't know the full story.
If she crashed into a store, the police gave her more than a citation. They don't just let someone walk away from that.
I also cannot believe that there are not many lawsuits being filed for the property damage she's done.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. The elderly gentleman plowed into my parents, and my father died. My mother survived with injuries. That’s how I became her caregiver. The gentleman served 8 months in jail bc he had “no priors”. He balked at paying my father’s funeral expenses ($8k, ordered by the court), so I had to be on him and his parole officer at every turn to get him to pay my mother the whole amount. He wasn’t even remorseful. It was a huge ordeal at the time. My dad was only 68 and he was a new grandpa. It was sad and devastating. Thank you for your kind words. You always give the best responses.
Sounds like the only one who has any power in this situation is her husband and he enables her.
If it were me, I'd take care of my little one and myself and not worry about what you can't change.
Take away all vehicles, keys. Move cars at night when she’s sleeping. Move cars to another’s house, your house, vehicle storage any where far enough she can’t get to them. Be prepared for a battle. She’ll call cops and say car stolen…tell cops to refer to records that show what’s been happening. Make sure she doesn’t have any enablers to get her car for her.
Also be prepared to take her where she wants to go. You will have to accommodate her (within reason).
Take keys (but if no vehicles on property, keys won’t matter, however best to take them too).
keep us posted.
@Grandma1954 was right. Tell the cops you are not responsible for her. She is a grown a** woman with an enabling husband. Let them call him.
My husband was a career first responder and he was at the scene of an accident where an elderly man killed a mother pushing a stroller in a crosswalk. He was combative and kept trying to leave the scene, completely clueless that he just killed someone. I pray this doesn't happen with your mom, but if it does it's not your fault or responsibility. I pray that by some miracle (or criminal charges) your mom is stopped.
I have no pity for the family of the elder who killed your father. None whatsoever. You say they were devastated too. They did nothing to keep their elder off the road. Many families would rather take their chances letting the old, demented fool behind the wheel then deal with the tantrums and fighting if they stop them.
I hope the family of the elder who killed your father were truly devastated and left in the poor house because of the lawsuit. It would serve them right too.
If you need to cut a loves one's tires and take out the battery of the car to keep them from driving, do whatever it takes.
The public will thank you for it.
I would also report her and her husband to the Mayor and City Council who must have authority over the Police Chief. Contact the City Attorney and the County Prosecutor. If she kills or maims someone, and they can prove the police department’s indifference, the City/County can be sued and they will be responsible for defending the police.
One question: If you live three hours away, why do they call you? Can you change your phone number?