Hello everyone. I just received my 6th phone call in 2 months from a state trooper because my mother crashed again. She’s done this 10+ times over the past 2 months. Her drivers license was taken away twice, she thankfully hasn’t hurt anyone in these crashes, or hurt herself, but she refuses to stop driving, and keeps lying to law enforcement, basically whatever she has to do so she gets away with it.
Her history: She’s always been a liar, but now with age she’s gotten worse. She used to be a drug addict (worked in the medical field and had access to rx drugs, and used to lie to get oxys etc.), and now that’s also left a toll on her body, since she got Parkinson’s, but the mental part is she lies. Always has, always will.
She lives with her husband a 3 hour drive from me. Now I have a baby and recently was diagnosed with a brain tumor so I can’t care for her. Her husband is 10y older than she is and just doesn’t gaf. She has totaled 4 cars and he just buys her a new one. She crashes because she’s always been a terrible driver, and only started driving 20y ago when she moved to the US. In Europe, where I’m from, she never got a license because she just can’t focus on the road.
So now she’s gotten worse when it comes to Parkinson’s and her new neurologist thinking her movement issues are due to drug use and stopped her levodopa. Which is a mistake, imho, but I have no authority to say anything.
My husband disabled her car last week because she crashed into a store, and I thought we were good, but today I get a phone call that she’s been in a crash caused by her again.
What can I do? Is this just going to end when she kills someone and goes to jail, or kills herself?
It’s so frustrating since she’s able to live otherwise: she can take care of herself, her pets, home, etc., they have a lot of money, I’ve set up PCA’s, food delivery, cleaning etc., but she just won’t quit driving no matter what. Like it’s her obsession. The police won’t do anything, they just give her a citation and let her go like 10x now. Her husband buys a new vehicle and the circle continues.
She will never willingly go into assisted living, she won’t let anyone drive her around, she won’t take a taxi, bus, Uber or anything, because she’s a narcissist and thinks she’s the best at everything, especially driving and everyone else is to blame for the crashes.
Any ideas? I’m out of creative solutions. I just don’t know what to do. Thank you. Sorry for my rambles.
Tell the husband he is negligent and could be held responsible if any person or property is harmed by her. I can't believe the police just let it go. Perhaps you can talk to the local police and have them take a more serious approach. She or her husband might respond to legal consequences, fines, being arrested for driving without a license - repeatedly.
Can you buy pre-paid taxi vouchers, or set up an Uber account to give her a convenient option to get around? I lived in a small town which had a local taxi service. They would give a ride anywhere withing a 15 - 20 mile radius for a flat $6 fee. I could also buy ride tickets. I always kept at least one in my purse just in case I needed.
Then, if you have a HIPPAA waiver, send a fax to her doctor about this. (If you don't have a HIPPAA waiver you can still write a fax to them but don't expect any response.) Tell them that you want them to report her Parkinsons so that she is forced to stop driving. Tell them how many accidents she has had and that she is driving without a license. They need to confirm/endorse that medically and cognitively she is not fit to drive. She obviously has impaired safety awareness. If she has this in her record and is in a serious accident they can be held liable for withholding information. They are a legally mandated reporter for dangerous behavior.
Mom is the problem and her husband is an enabler. You are a bystander and witness to a trainwreck in slow motion. Close your eyes and turn away.
God bless you with a full recovery and a long, joyous life with your family!
As others, particularly Geaton77 have advised, there are times when things are just out of your control. Your are not responsible for your Mom or her husband, you are not responsible for the lack of communication between the State and the local police departments. You are not God and have no control.
You are responsible for caring for your new child and making sure she/he has a good life, which means you need to take care of yourself.... way, way before you think about Mom. If necessary get a new phone, which will limit Mom and police department access to you. Doesn't sound like folks you and your child should spend a lot of time around anyway. And remember.... family is more than blood relations; people need to like, respect and care for each other to be family. I know a whole lot of people who get more care and love from their friends than from their family.
Drop crazy Mom and her bad driving from your mind; if necessary, learn to meditate to relax your mind, soul and body. You have put forth a Herculean effort but, you can not control Mom even if you lived next (Heaven forbid) and you can not protect the rest of the population on the road. It's unfortunate but it is what it is.
One last thing.................. don't you ever think about becoming POA or Medical proxy for either of them!! You will have heart attack within 2 weeks!!!
Wishing you grace and peace in your life.
Don't you wish there was a book called "Old Folks For Dummies" that taught us to deal with situations like this?
We already know that if you tell Mom the sky is blue, she will fight you to the death to prove it's cyan. Telling mom what to do or attempting to give her "orders" will never work. In her mind, telling you (the child) what to do is her job!
With your help, maybe you can have her "discover" for herself that it's time to quit driving. Direct, intentional questions delivered with curiosity, not righteousness, might be effective.
"Mom, you've been in 10 accidents in two months. Do you think it's time?
"Mom, how will you feel if you injure or kill someone?"
"Mom, who's going to take care of Dad if you get hurt in a car crash?"
"Mom, what happens if you get arrested for no driver's license or insurance?"
You have undoubtedly asked these questions (and more) multiple times and let the conversation turn into an argument multiple times.
Don't argue with Mom! Just listen and get her communication. If it's appropriate, ask the next question. If not, let it go for a few days or a week.
In your next conversation, calmly ask her something like this: "I was thinking that if you have to send the car for repairs, you won't be able to get a rental. Do you know how to call an Uber?" (or the senior bus, or whatever.) Let her know it's easy, and she will learn fast!
Don't argue with Mom! Just listen and get her communication. If it's appropriate, ask the next question. If not, let it go for a few days or a week.
"Mom, is it time to stop driving?"
If she is not ready, there may be room to negotiate. She may drive only to the doctor and the grocery store during the day—no more night driving. Or, she may only drive when someone is in the car with her
I don't know, but hopefully, you get the idea...
All the others who have said something like, " It's not your fault and not your problem," are completely correct. And I want to acknowledge you for your care, concern and love for Mom. She sounds like a tough woman - and you are too! :-)
That being said you have some good communication suggestions here , although if dementia is the problem unfortunately these won’t always work .
I’ll be trying similar questions with my own MIL this weekend to try to get her to stop driving But so far she’s been too stubborn and in denial that there is anything wrong with her regarding her very deteriorating mobility . I will be starting by asking what is her plan for when she no longer can get up her stairs , she bear crawls . She has in the past waved away our suggestion of a chair lift .
You need to get rid of her car.
The alternative is she may kill herself or others.
This is a very serious matter that you must deal with immediately.
Clearly, the husband, could be held legally responsible for any death(s) occurring due to his negligence buying her a/nother car. What is wrong with him? Does he have dementia?
Call APS (Adult Protective Services). Report both of them.
Of course she will not go 'willingly' to assisted living' or likely any change in her living situation. This is what dementia is / does to people. Contact Teepa Snow for support (see her website and/or call her office).
Your mother may or may not be aware of ruining other vehicles (or care or have the ability / cognitive functioning to care), or understand (or care or have the cognitive functioning to care), that she may kill other people in her driving pathway.
If you are unable to manage this situation, hire a social worker or attorney who can.
I am sad for all you are personally going through. You need to intervene / whoever is legally responsible for her must take whatever action is necessary to insure she is not driving. "If' it is her husband, something must change as - I believe - he is as legally negligent as she is.
This must be handled immediately, as I believe you know.
You do not want someone to be killed which is a real possibility.
Gena / Touch Matters
The next time law enforcement calls get their name and badge number. Keep a diary or note it on a calendar about these calls. I’m sure on the computer in their cars that can see she has a number of citations. If they blow her accident off you can name the officer who was negligent. Find out why they keep calling you. Are you on her contact list for emergencies? Make it her husband. Just a thought—contact Adult Protective Services, which doesn’t just deal with abusive family and caregivers, they also work with families who have a member who is a danger to themselves and others. If nothing works and you are at the bottom of the emotional barrel, you’ll know you’ve done your best, or at least begin to think that way.
Last but not least, take care of yourself. Growing up with an addicted parent means you are always on alert, worrying about them and trying to take care of things. Been there done that. You can no longer do that. It’s hard to accept. She’s proving nothing you do works. Try Al-Anon. You can go to meetings online when you are able. You’ll learn way to take care of yourself and disconnect from your mom in healthy ways. I'm sure the baby keeps you up as does worry about your brain tumor. Take care.
I had very similar issues with my departed Dad and I'd step in to "fix" things for him (accidents at shopping centres... ) in retrospect, I should have just let him do what he wanted and not gotten involved. When he got too dangerous I wrote to our local road traffic authority and reported that he was vision impaired, he got a letter saying he had to go in to do an eye test or he would loose his license. He knew he wouldn't pass the test, so he never went and his license was revoked. He hated me for it and didn't speak to me for two years before he died. I couldn't have his actions causing him to kill someone on my conscious, that's why I reported him. If you can write an email to the equivalent in your district, or a letter of complaint to the State Troopers about what's going on, do that, and then wipe your hands of it all. You have too much going on in your own life to worry about what she does, she doesn't care about anyone else, or she wouldn't be doing this.
Back off from your dangerous, lying mother and her dangerous, enabling husband.
You need to care for your life and the life of your precious baby! Go to Dr Eric Berg, on YT....you can heal from cancer!! But, you will need to follow a strict dietary regimen to help your body kill the cancer. It Can be done! Go the Holistic route! It will help your immune system and will help your baby too!
Dr Eric Berg on YT.
May the Lord be with you. 💜🕊💜
The last one was just her.. nobody but her..
They took her to hospital.. she turned out to have a very crate brain tumor.
Take a CT of her brain. Take her in. Husband is being counter-productive.. maybe he should have a CT SCAN too.
Weed out tunors or other concerns.
Get to police station and DMV, ask them directly if you can fill out a report on mom. V
I'm confused. If she's your mother, then isn't her husband your father? Maybe I missed something.
Sounds like a danger to everyone and needs special help for her particular condition. Where does she keep getting a working car from after crashing the previous one?
I'm surprised the police can't do more after so many crashes. You're right it could end up very serious one day.
Unfortunately there's not much you can do, it's the police that should be doing more to prevent her from driving and refer her to help from a institution where they can get to the bottom of the repeated driving and crashing.
He needs to stop buying her new cars and understand how dangerous it is for her to drive.
And I know a little about Parkinson disease, often people have problem with depth perception which evidently causes accidents.
She should go to different neurologist, who would perhaps understand PD better, without levodopa her motor skills could be worse.