My mother has bonded with a caretaker we have hired from an agency. The caretaker constantly tells me that my mother is " her Mom " and that she is a daughter to my mother and a sister to me.
I find this very inappropriate. My mother has short term memory loss, lives alone and her caretaker is very good for her on many levels and they have bonded which I support, but the caretaker appears to always
re-iterate to my mom that my mom is "her Mom", that "I am her sister"
"we are her family". I hear these comments from her to my Mom several time a week if not every day. My mother is bonded to her and I don't want to replace her but it appears unprofessional to me and borderline creepy.
What should I do?
If your caregiver is innocent, she will appreciate being asked to change, particularly if you say that you have been advised to draw up a formal memo, or to notify the agency. If she doesn’t change, it’s probably an indication that it may not be innocent. It’s not an easy conversation or a good feeling to deal with it, but then if problems were easy to deal with, they wouldn't be problems!
I make a point, each time I meet a client for the first time, of saying (e.g.) "do you prefer to be called Mrs Smith, or do you prefer Jane?"
Although I myself always begin with Mrs or Mr Surname, I have to say the large majority of clients do state that they prefer first name terms.
Mind you, at least once every ten times the answer is "Babs" - some other pet or middle name which isn't even in the notes, sigh...
I have a problem with letting people walk all over me, and then exploding when it’s gone way too far. I’m trying to get my feelings out sooner, before I lose my mind in a rage.
My Dad’s “housekeeper” two states away is slowly taking control and becoming more bossy with me. I’m going to have to find a way to get the situation under control on my own. You’ve been given the perfect opportunity to put your foot down right now. My Dad’s “cleaning lady “ is now depositing endorsed checks for him. Large amounts every month; she told me she’s doing it. I’m going to have to visit him more often to make sure that everything looks and smells right. Please update us and let us know what you did and said to her. It will be I inspirational for me to get a backbone with my Dad’s situation. I’m rooting for you!! Thank You/
Gretchen
No, don't like where HK knows about Dads accts. Hopefully ur set up to see Dads accts. At least she told you. This cleaning lady is an employee. I like u, let things fester until I finally blow up and say the wrong thing. I don't like confrontation either. I have learned there comes a time I can say how I feel in a calm manner. This woman needs to know that she is an employee. Sit down and ask her why she feels she can talk to u the way she does. Maybe its because ur not there and have no idea what goes on daily. Maybe there needs to be a little more communication between u.
It reminds me of a run in I had with my mom’s house long time house cleaner who claimed to know my mom better than I did and thought she could tell me how to care for my mother. My mom absolutely adored her. To make a very long story short, house cleaner has been fired and life is more peaceful. Turns out she was a poison pill trying to sabotage my relationship with my mom.
The rehab would address Luz as Mama Luz or Mona (Mother) Luz and she loved that as well. Visitors, (nurses, therapists, etc) used the term Miss Luz.
To claim they are family or just like family seems out of line. Let the CG's employer know.
I would have a heart to heart with your caregiver and explain all the red flags that her behavior is throwing up. Tell her how valued she is in your moms care, but her telling mom untruths is just creating a source of confusion. And as this is all about taking the best care possible of mom we don't want to do anything that will or could create more confusion, so you are asking her to stop creating a false reality with her insistence that she is your mom's 4th daughter. Make a note about the conversation and ask her to sign with the understanding that she will not be forcing herself into mom's family. Calling her mom is okay, but only that, nothing else.
If you catch her again, do a written warning that you all had talked on , insert date, about her forcing a false reality and she is now being told to stop doing this for your mom's wellbeing.
If she does it again fire her on the spot. This would tell me that she has intentions of something beyond making your mom feel comfortable.
You have allowed her to feel indispensable and I have never seen an employee that believes that they can't be replaced act with good sense, they start acting entitled and overstepping their boundaries. No good will come of letting this continue.
Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If she really has no ill intent she will feel bad about introducing a false reality that is causing confusion. If she gets testy, well she thinks she is indispensable and this will have you looking for someone more trustworthy.
When you do the written warning, send that to the agency she works with. If you have to go there, they need to know because she will end up being a problem.
You could always tell her that you are so happy that she is claiming your mom as hers and you appreciate her being willing to work for free, cuz that is what the youngest daughter does😏
First thing: what does your mother prefer to be called? The caregiver must call her that. If your mother actually likes this lady to call her "Mom" then - sheesh! but - okay fair enough. So what I'd do is ask your mother the specific open question: "what would you like Griselda (or whatever her name is) to call you?" And if she says "Madam" or "Mrs Jones" or "Nancy" is most comfortable for her, then that's what she is to be called, and that's what you remind the caregiver of as and when necessary.
Second thing: there are boundaries which must not be crossed. A warm, friendly connection is good. An actual emotional connection, though, is not - it crosses that boundary. Your mother is not her mother or even her friend. Your mother is her client. It's a totally different position of trust with a totally different duty of care.
This is a tricky one. If you call her agency about it as it is now, you'll get her fired. (Or they certainly ought to fire her. I know my service would certainly fire me for it). And you could risk losing a really dedicated caregiver whom your mother likes, and whose only drawback is a rather sickly-sweet gushy manner.
Do you ever get to have one-to-one chats over a cup of coffee with this lady? Could you? Bringing up the subject of professionalism in general might start a useful conversation without directly taking her to task. You could tell her what you DO expect and put up a few markers, rather than telling her to stop doing what might just come to her naturally.
The level to which your mother’s caregiver takes it would bother me too. It’s as if she were trying to ingratiate herself into the family or as someone else posted, groom her and you. Or...... maybe she’s just immature. Since she is such a wonderful caregiver despite this, talk to her first. Tell her how much you appreciate what she does, but you want her to call your mother __________, from now on, and not Mama. You can choose to elaborate on why or not. She should get the idea from your request about her other crazy nonsense - being sisters, etc. See how that goes, before reporting her to the agency or getting rid of her
She doesn’t have to accept being called sister though if that bothers her.
She may feel this is a complement to you. It may be entirely innocent. Guess what? It doesn’t matter how she feels about it it you find it annoying, distracting or disrespectful.
You don’t have to conform to her needs. She is the employee. She would expect you to be respectful of her and she needs to be respectful of you.
Tell her directly or if you are uncomfortable telling her then perhaps speak to the agency to address it. If not, what about a letter addressing your concerns? Do you have a problem speaking to her?
I understand that your mom has bonded with her but she doesn’t have to refer to her as mom or to you as her sister. That is weird. You don’t have a sibling bond with her. She is overstepping.
Just curious, other than this ‘mom’ thing, how is she with other caregiver duties?
this is creepy. And, she might very well be setting you Mom up for a scam.....sure sounds like it. Calling you sister...and making that connection to you with your Mom. Oh heck no...fire her.
get rid of her now.
My Dad had around the clock caregivers. The two he had for over a year, one could call him Mr. Smith, and the other would call him Mr. Bob [using his first name] and Dad really liked that one. And sometimes depending from where a caregiver was originally from, it may be common in that area to use different terms for the patients. Such as honey, sweetie, dear, or other endearing terms.
I feel the CT is overstepping her professional boundaries because the CT constantly imposes the mother daughter relationship idea to my mother.
" Oh, I would do anything for MOM, and I call her Mom because that is how I think of her " would be something I would hear constantly from the CT.
Or the CT says things to my Mom like " I am your 4th daughter ".
The real problem now is my mother is very bonded to the CT and replacing the CT will be hard for my mother. And, yes, from the very beginning my gut said this is inappropriate behavior from the CT, but I backed off because I didn't want to upset my mother. Bad situation. Thanks to all for your comments.
I agree with you! My brother has POA for my 97 year old mother & I haven’t been allowed to see her in over 2 years because he is being spiteful & controlling.
He moved some random woman into her home since she is no longer safe living alone. This woman was evicted from the trailer park she was living in & has credit problems. She has full access to all my mother’s info & house.
There was no background check done on her & she is not licensed or certified. My mother has had dementia for quite a few years now & I think her calling my mother “ma” is very suspicious & creepy.
Yes, make sure any financial info is out of Moms house. Any jewelry worth anything. Anything of value. I like the definition of "grooming". Be on your toes.
Either you talk to the caregiver or contact the agency and they should have a talk with the caregiver.
I do hope the caregiver does not have access to any accounts, credit cards or any other private sensitive information. And I hope your mom does not have access to credit cards, cash, checkbook or any other financial information. I also hope there are no valuables in the house that mom could give to her "daughter"
The line is drawn when sentiments are they are "Like a family", or
"better than one's own family". That can be sentimental but is usually understood by all it is just a sentiment. Not a fact. Or, people will say: "I am adopting you as my family".
When the real family is offended or concerned, or the sentiment is taken too far, put a stop to it. The caregiver could be delusional or just trying to find a place to belong. Lacks appropriate boundaries.
What you do is talk to the agency, demanding the caregiver be more professional. When she states this in front of you, correct her in a strong way. "She is not your Mom, you are not my sister".
You could make light of it, to say: "If that were true, we would not be paying you".
Just awesome; this should be a bumper sticker