My wife and I have left our home in FL to help care for my aunt who has late stage dementia. My mother is unable to do so.
However my mother has a tendency to be very impatient with her (she has always been this way with others).
She is rough when cleaning and changing my aunt. She speaks loudly and abusively to her.
We have tried delicately to remove my mother from daily activities with my aunt.
My wife arranges the medication and washing/dressing each day.
I do the majority of her feeding each day. Sometimes my mother has to feed her when I am away.
I also care for lifting and transporting her to and from her bed to the living room several times each day.
Either my wife or I are always home wife my mother out of fear that this aggressive/impatient behavior will occur.
I have 2 sisters who have also witnessed this behavior and have had a family chat to address this with my mother with little to no improvement.
My sisters have also spoken to her individually.
We all feel that this type of behavior is abusive.
My wife and I are at a loss as to how to give compassionate care to my aunt while shielding her from my mother's behavior.
We do not want to put my aunt in a care facility (she helped raise my sisters and me). However, she does need 24/7 care. We are willing to stay with them as long as it takes to provide this care.
But we are at a loss with dealing with my mother.
I apologize for venting to everyone.
We are new at caregiving.
We would welcome any insight.
What does your Aunt say? Has this always been their relationship? Is your Aunt frightened or uncomfortable. When you say "rough" treatment I really worry. The constant bicker is sometimes normal for sisters, hubbies and wives, and so on. But rough treatment is OUT and cannot be allowed no matter WHICH sister needs to go into care.
I think honestly that the family meeting needs to make clear that NO abuse, verbal or physical, will be allowed. That you will leave with the Aunt or see the Aunt placed where she can receive decent care. You cannot allow this to go on. Enlist the help of a license Social Worker to mediate at the family meeting; sometimes this makes very clear what behavior will no longer be tolerated. Wishing you good luck and hoping you will update us.
if she is no longer competent, then it is time to move her into a MC facility.
but, either way...the abuse must stop.
"85 yo mother lives in household" I understand
"Caregiving taking place in NH" For us "NH" stands for Nursing Home
"Personal home in FL" This I understand
I am assuming NH means New Home. Does that mean you bought another house and everyone moved in? Or are you in Moms home. If in Moms home, then maybe everyone should move out but Mom. She probably is overwhelmed and doesn't appreciate everyone there. Takes it out on the Aunt because she is the cause for all of u being there. Then ur sisters can care for Mom and you the Aunt.
If the Aunts house, then you need to find a place for Mom. And that is what she needs to be told. "Mom, its not working with all of us here. Since the house in Aunts, and you don't seem to want to change, I think its time to find u a place of your own"
There are Senior apts that charge on scale. So if Moms monthly income is 1000 they will require 1/3 of that.