Please help me understand if I'm wrong or right.
Hello everyone... I have a question but I suppose first I should explain my situation... I apologize in advance for writing this...I feel insanely guilty asking and also stupid, I'm sorry... I also guess I should start with, after trying so hard to work, for years I've tried, I have been put on disability for trauma related mental illnesses. I note this because it makes caretaking very hard, my grandma will be understanding unless it messes up what she wants to do then she starts saying really hurtful things. I am not perfect and not looking for any pity or whatever, I am looking for the answer so I can not be a bad person; I feel scared and unsure if I am about to do the right thing or not... Also I am married but my husband lives in England and has a job there, he can't travel here because he wants to keep it for us, and I live in America. The last time I was there was 2 years ago, our anniversary is in March, I feel I am going to finally shatter if I don't see my husband on our anniversary, the only problem is... My grandma (80) who I am here with. She suffers from depression but otherwise she is fairly healthy. My grandparents I consider my parents because they took me in from bouncing around foster homes and between my birth mom and dad. But my grandparents house was severely* abusive...so I stayed locked in my room, my safe place. ** Fast forward to present day...I love my grandpa, this past year was crucial, I got to know him, he had changed so much. He left with me sitting by his side in august last year; I had planned to stay here only 5 months when I came; and I came because my grandma said she needed me...she just needed me here to "watch" the arguments I'd seen always. Then one day she snapped I believe, she began abusing him and since then she has not been the same person...She is vicious to me, physically and emotionally. Since my grandpa "left" (I can't accept that reality atm) my grandma has made life horrible; she wants me to live as her and my grandpa did; arguing and watching TV. I have to keep my bedroom door open or she goes off, tries to break it down...That was before she decided I should be out of my room all day (we never, ever have had this kind of life, it's scary having to come out and being "therapist" (a role I've played since I was a little kid) is harder than ever and I struggle to contain my emotion lately. I try to talk to her but she doesn't reply unless we are yelling. The past 4 nights I've slept on the couch in the living room and she is sleeping on a bed in a room 20 feet away with no door. I've slept here because if I don't she yells and tells me how cruel I am... I feel guilty... And I don't wanna fight, so I gave in. I told her I need to go back to my husband at least for a few months because I miss him, I love him and he has been amazing... She says I am everything evil you can imagine and always adds that I owe her- I owe her because her and my dad took me in when I was a kid. So I am betraying her and abandoning her and selfish. Am I? I am starting to really resent her... I feel so bad typing that. She has 3 other kids that barely even text and that is what the source of her depression is she says. I've ended up in the ER twice due to mental related breaks ever since I've become ....whatever I am for her. I want to go, I hate myself for that... I am scared that if I go she'll die, and it'll be my fault..But I need my husband too... She says if I love her I will stay in here 24 7, and not go back even for 1 month... But I am planning on it anyway,... I think, I haven't clicked "buy" on the ticket yet but I am ready to... I just am in need of hearing someone please, please tell me if I am wrong or being bad... What if I hurt her so bad she dies? Then again I don't know how much more I can mentally take... I am so sorry this is the dumbest question on here but I can't understand if it is ok to go into my room to read or whatever; is it okay to go ahead and go to my husband even though she says she needs me here to help her? Or, to be her emotional support system, as she calls it. Blah I am so sorry. Thank you if you read this, and thank you if anyone replies; please don't be too harsh I ask... Please. Thank you! I hope this made sense...
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She has shared a fair bit of her history on her profile. Grandma was an abusee, that's what the "Grandpa had changed so much" sentence was referring to, I think?
The only thing I'm reasonably sure of is that there won't be a simple answer. But that doesn't mean there isn't any hope of change. Please keep talking, Misfit.
Godspeed on your journey home.
But first change your name from "misfit" to " not gonna take it anymore"!
Running here for HELP will get you stronger dear girl 😉😘
I had a nasty ol granny like yours...EWWW!
However, with an abuser - she will probably sabotage any attempts for you to set it up. She doesn't want normal help - she wants to control you, guilt you and keep you there. So, anything you set up or suggest will not be "good enough".
You have to do your best, not ask for her permission, and then GO. If you wait for her to agree, you will be trapped and wait forever.
Think of it as if it is domestic violence (since it is a form of that). The abused wife or girlfriend does not have to get permission or approval from her abuser to leave. She does not have to make sure his shirts are ironed, food prepared and house cleaned to give herself permission to leave. You do not have to wait til everything is set up or arranged for her, since that time will never arrive.
Just take care of yourself. If she genuinely needs help, there are professionals who can connect her to good resources. It does not have to be you.
It sounds to me like your GM knows she can get away with treating you this way cause you have not set any boundaries. Same with your Husband, if you don't mind me saying so. It's really easy for him to be supportive from afar. All he has to do is pick up the phone and say the right things. How would he be in the middle of the war zone?
You are really selling yourself short. The guilt you are feeling is misguided in my opinion. It is great that you are a kind, responsible person but if doing so is at the cost of your emotional health is it really what you should be doing? You know the old saying, "don't mistake my kindness for weakness" Think about it for a second. In your case, your kindness is making you weaker. No one, including you, deserve to be caring for someone who is selfish, mean and ungrateful. You won't be any good to her or your husband but especially yourself if you don't start standing up for yourself and taking care of you.
My opinion is similar in that the most concerning thing to me based on what I read is your own health, as you’re experiencing the aftermath of dealing with abandonment and abuse for a long time.
Makes me also wonder what type of relationship you have with your husband, and I don’t mean this in any bad way at all; but I have to ask what type of job does he have that he couldn’t come to see you at least once in two years? Specially knowing that you are seriously struggling and had severe breakdowns...
Just please make sure that you are not shortchanging yourself in ANY relationship in your life, being that with your husband, kids -if you have any-, your grandmother or whom ever else.
Please be aware that the number one priority is your wellbeing. Like many suggested, please seek therapy!! That’ll help you a great deal in your future.
As far as if you are right or wrong, well, if it was me, I wouldn’t leave unless I felt sure that I did my best to leave grandma safe. You said she is generally healthy, but her behavior doesn’t sound healthy to me. Even if she’s had a similar attitude all throughout life, now her thoughts and actions may be exacerbated by dementia or another mental illness. You don’t mention what type of medical attention and medical coverage she has, but I’d definitely get information, and if there’s anyway that you can leave her knowing that she will be able to count on a caregiver of some sort, that’d be the way to go. I’m sure that would give your peace of mind, and that’s very important. There’s nothing like leaving with peace in your heart and mind.
I know the obvious answer for many is Just go! You don’t owe her anything, pack and don’t look back! But I don’t think that’s realistic. I believe having the sense of guilt you have (right or wrong, doesn’t matter really) you would not feel at peace if you didn’t leave things as in order as you can. So I think it’s time to start your departure plan of action! Find out what type of assistance she can get, talk to her physician or talk to ‘a’ physician, get knowledgeable on the resources available. And don’t hope or wait for her approval on any of this, just present her with facts. It’s for her wellbeing.
I know it’s unfair that her own children are not involved, but you are, and it is obvious that you care. So do all you feel you should do to leave her as safe as possible. And leave.
Once in England PLEASE go to therapy, that’ll allow you to start seeing life differently and probably reassessing all your relationships and your role in each of them as well as the role others have in your life; the boundaries you set or not, the value of your sacrifices and what you get in return....the actual meaning of LOVE! What true Love translates into when it comes to actions.
I wish you the best so you can leave as in peace as possible and so once in a more calmed environment and after seeking help, you start finding the peace and clarity of mind that we all need to seek and preserve. Buy your ticket! giving yourself sufficient time to do research and leave her knowing you’ve done all you could do to leave her in a safe situation!
God bless!!
It seems that you probably have PTSD from all the abuse over many years. And some of the effects of that are: doubting yourself and not believing that you have the right to protect yourself or set healthy boundaries. PTSD affects your health, your sleep and your sense of safety. In effect, you are “living in the enemy camp”. When you live with an abuser, you cannot believe ANYTHING they tell you about yourself, your duties, what you supposedly “owe” them, etc. Everything they tell you is for their own benefit to keep you there and compliant to their wishes.
I suggest that you get into therapy if you have not already done so – but with a therapist who is familiar with PTSD and abuse issues. I also suggest that you call any free hot-lines – whether they deal with abuse, suicide, or domestic violence. There might be a local domestic violence center. Although they usually work with women in domestic violence from boyfriends or husbands, some of them will help with violence from others in your home (like parents, grandparents, etc.) Call and ask. Some of the centers also have free support groups.
You might also find it useful to read books on the subject of emotional or physical abuse from parents or caregivers. And even though you are already an adult, these abusive events have not stopped. After a while the abused person starts to believe what the abuser is saying about them. They doubt themselves and their own instincts and start believing that they deserve the bad treatment.
So, even though the advice here is accurate, you may need extra support to get strong enough to leave. Please reach out for help – not only in this forum, but from professionals who deal with PTSD, domestic violence and trauma. You have people rooting for you, praying for you and wanting to support you in getting stronger.
The right thing to do is to leave. I know that is certainly not an easy thing to do. When you decide that, yes, you are going to do the right thing and leave, start a new post and ask questions about how to go about it. Plenty of people here can give you practical suggestions and support.
Oh. And another things you are wrong about is feeling guilty! That is a very hard habit to break, but you have NO reason to feel guilty.
Hiding in your room all your life? That is not love, that speaks to fear and abuse.
Can you text or email the MIA sibs and tell them that as of *this date* you will be no longer willing or able to care for g-ma. They'll know why. Then pack your things, move to England and don't come back. Don't look back. And please, get some help. It will take a lot of therapy to get you t a healthy mindset.
You owe grandma NOTHING.
Please go hit "buy" on that ticket and go.
All the best--reach down and find the strength to go.
Only.
Can we - who don't know you or your grandmother, remember - be sure that your grandmother does not insist on having 24/7 eyes on you because she fears for your safety?
You do sound like you're in a lot of pain. That will be very frightening for anyone who loves you, and frightened people can sound very angry.
Are you working with a therapist?
Speaking from personal experience it is incredibly hard to break away from abusive relationships. It is easy for those on the outside to say "just leave", but it is not easy.
You have said you survived your childhood with your grandparents by locking yourself in your room, not your grandmother will not allow you that, will not allow you to sleep in your bed. This is abuse pure and simple.
There is a very good reason that no one else in the family will have anything to do with her, they clearly see what sort of person she is and know it is not safe to have a relationship with her. Your body is telling you it is not safe for you to be there. The breakdowns you are having are a sign that you can no longer cope with the abuse.
Your grandmother will not change.
Your grandmother is 80, one day she will die, whether or not you are there. Your presence will not stop her death. Your leaving will not hasten it.
Please know that you deserve a healthy happy life. Know that it is possible, with lots of therapy, to overcome an abusive past. It is not easy, but you are worth it.
When you get to England, start setting up a support network. If you are religious find a church, find the numbers for the crisis lines (do that now before you move) and call as needed, stay on the phone as long as you need. Find our if the local Women Against Violence Against Women offers free counselling and sign up, (it is not just for those coming out of an abusive marriage). Find a doctor who has worked with patients with trauma, if needed get a prescription for meds (if the first med does not work try another), find a therapist who works with people who have gone through childhood trauma.
In the weeks and months after my breakdown I saw 4 different counsellors/therapists, joined two support groups, saw different doctors tried various medications, I called the crisis line several times. I have continued to see one therapist on an as needed basis. It has been almost 4 years. I heave learned to live my life for me.
I would not try to get POA before you leave. You need to cut ties and heal, not get sucked back into the drama and FOG. She is not your responsibility.
Yet, if you are basically a kind person (which you are), it is very hard to leave bad situations because you hope they will change.
THEY WILL NOT.
NO matter which choice you make, you will feel bad for something as you have feelings for others. SO, BEGIN TO HAVE PROTECTIVE FEELINGS FOR YOUR SELF and go to your husband which is your true life... and yes, work it out with a therapist or a good shamanic energy practitioner when you get back to England.
Now, one last thing:
Even if this grandparent had been and is good to/for you, your duty is to live your own life. They lived theirs already.
Place her in a facility, find her a caregiver, or if there is no money for that, have a social worker help her out to find her care. Move her into Medicaid support. You choose an Elder Lawyer to work with you long distance, and sign needed papers via email/fax, etc., from abroad if you hold POA for her.
POSTSCRIPT: I shared your situation with my husband and he wants to make a few more points:
Your situation reminds me of a terrible divorce situation where there is abuse and danger. In these situations it is best to move out completely. Rent someplace while you are taking care of finding her support through social workers, etc. It is not wise to seek help for her while you are staying with her. You need to take care of yourself. It is also easier to seek help for her when you don't have to confront her with it...she wants her own way, not what you want. You will think more clearly when you are on your own and you can explain your history with her to the care support...that you can no longer do this and ask for their help. Let your husband know what you are doing and....Then, go to England!
Press that button and get your ticket. Good luck
Second, you do not owe your grandmother one thing. Not one. While she may have taken you in, that was her choice. And you know what? She'll kill you, not necessarily directly by her own hand, but by the stress she's inflicting on you and by you choosing to stay with her in this current situation. You do not have to accept this.
Third, your husband comes before your grandmother, period.
Fourth, call your local Commission on Aging or other social services agency or her doctor for an evaluation for whether she can live by herself or if she needs assisted living or nursing home. If they believe she can live by herself, then go to your husband. If she needs assistance, then help her move in, then go to your husband.
You deserve your life. Do not sacrifice it for your grandmother, but do help her get any help she needs then GO. Think positive because now you can take positive steps to help your grandmother and because you get to your real life. Do not hate yourself--you don't deserve that. Good luck to you and a {hug} for you.
You don’t owe ‘mom’, you were a kid and as an adult SHE made the decision to take you in.