My dad thinks that the condition is just one of memory and there are no other issues related to having Alzheimer's or Dementia. He thinks he's totally in control of his behavior and actions and that to suggest that he is incapable of driving safely or doing anything else he decides to do is not true. He tells me that :"I'll know when I can't drive any more. I'll know when I will need help."
If you're sure it's dementia, let it go. Their ability to reason is going or gone. Any attempt to justify your rationale or point of view could easily provoke arguments or hostilities. The odd saying about dementia is they tend to remember their anger longer than they remember anything nice or pleasant. A neuro-psychiatrist once told me it was because anger was stored in a different part of their brain and isn't forgotton as soon as pleasurable occurrences.
We have had this conversation many times about driving. Some folks continue to believe that it is important to get their drivers license taken away. What you have to understand it is (1) they will drive anyway if they have access to a car and the keys and (2) those who are selecting the "option" to wait to have the doctor or the DMV yank their license, either simply do not understand the severity and the danger of allowing a dementia patient to drive OR hey don't want to be the one to take the driving privilege away. The truth is, only removing the keys which provide access to the car can stop the driving. If removing the keys only results in constant perturbation of the dementia patient about where the keys are, then the only choice is removing the car completely as a visual reference to actually help them forget about driving.
When you're sure its dementia, learn all you can and be as kind as you can be because nothing that is happening to them, including the way they behave, is anything they can keep from doing. Behavior modification can work somewhat in the very early stages but eventually the only answer to severe behavioral problems will be medication adjustment. The ONLY answer until they pass away.
I think it's fine to agree that Mom is "not that bad" most of the time. It is true that we all have occasional memory problems. We can know that hers are really that bad, but we don't have to remind her.
"I know you can do it, but just this once, will you let me do it? You know how I worry."
Before my husband was tested and diagnosed with dementia of the Alzheimer type, we discussed how he would feel if he were diagnosed. He and his therapist agreed that knowing would make him feel bad. So we don't use that word. It's memory problems or ADHD. That's not what I would want, but it's what he wants.
When they say, "What's wrong with me?" maybe answering "I don't know, but I will take care of you and keep you safe" would be reassuring.
It's tough.
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