My 77 year old Mother is very secretive and manipulative about her health. She almost died 14 years ago from an undisclosed sore/illness which resulted in a severe infection (Merza?) She has been on a cane, then walker, for several years due to the nerve damage from said infection/surgery. We moved her in our home (attached by a breezeway with her own entrance separate from mine) almost a year ago for security and companionship, but noticed over the last several months she has been sitting all day long and started retaining fluid. Of course, I mentioned to her that she has to get some exercise to get the blood flowing and recommended physical therapy. She refused until I ambushed her at Saturday night as I suspected there is more going on. She had giant sores on her legs, toenails that have not been clipped in months, and sitting in soiled nightgown. Come to find out she has not slept in her bed for months or taken daily showers. Needless to say she was taken by ambulance this past Sunday to the hospital. Long story short...She has a good heart, lungs, no blood clots, arteries clear, etc. She is a type 2 diabetic which she says she never knew about. My theory is becoming true where her lack of movement, by her choice, has caused her Cellulitus which is painful. They dismissed her today to a SNF for physical therapy. She was clearly disappointed to leave the hospital today as I can tell she rather enjoyed the private room and all the staff waiting on her hand and foot like she was at the Four Seasons. She has fully never recovered from losing my Dad (husband) 3 years ago because she is depressed all the time, but she definitely wants to give up even though her health and mind are in relatively good shape. All of this could have been prevented by proper exercise and diet. I know she is purposely letting herself go. I told her today she needs to dig deep and take PT seriously so she can come home in the near future. Even though I love my Mom, my wife and I cannot continue the secretness on her health, not making it to the bathroom, not showering daily, not sleeping in bed, etc.etc. She has told me "yes, I know it is my fault" on countless occasions. My brother and all my family agree that she is sabotaging her fairly decent health. Any advice would be great because I am at my limit.
Parents often struggle to accept advice from their kids, even when the advice is sound, and the children are full-grown adults. I'd recommend doing what you can to make sure she hears a steady drumbeat of consistent advice from medical professionals (her doctors, nurses at the SNF, etc.) to make it more difficult to dismiss.
Additionally, it may be wise to hire a home care aide, or find a friend of hers to stop by a few times per week and check in on your mom once she's been discharged to ensure she's taking care of herself. You can always increase or decrease the frequency of these visits, and an aide would be able to help her with basic hygiene, and other ADLs.
Parents often see themselves as an authority figure when it comes to taking advice from their children.
It doesn’t matter if their children are looking out for their parent’s best interests or not. They don’t always want to hear it.
It is wise for a child to enlist help from their parent’s doctor, nurse or social worker to explain that they are no longer safe living at home.
She really needs to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will have 24/7 care and will be made to take showers on a regular basis, and her wounds will be taken better care of, along with having her diapers changed on a regular schedule.
Your mom now requires more care than you and your wife can provide. And yes she probably brought some of this on herself, but the damage has now been done and there is no turning back.
Please for the love of yourself and your wife DO NOT bring your mom back to your home. She is only going to continue to get worse and you have the best opportunity right now with her being in rehab to get the ball rolling of getting her placed.
Best wishes in doing just that.
You don't have a question for us.
I will assume you are just venting.
You listed this under care decisions.
At this point I think your mother would be much better off with 24/7 monitoring and care, and I would suggest an ALF if her assets will allow that.
We don't really change people.
We can't force people to do anything.
But what you CAN do/should do, is inform your mother that her recent checkup has shown that there is nothing wrong with her other than her diabetes. Inform her that self neglect, sore that will become non-healing will mean that she cannot live with you anymore; she isn't getting the care she needs if she cannot participate in her own health care. And you will have to have her in placement for her own sake should this continue.
Best of luck to you.
When my mother started neglecting herself, we had no idea that it was dementia.
Save yourself the trouble, and get her tested.
Sounds as if she needs the help anyway, and she will hide that fact from you .
I don’t think she is going to change her ways . I would not take her home . Start looking at assisted living , or SNF ( on Medicaid ) if she doesn’t have money to pay for care.
Also diabetes, can really bring on vascular dementia, my dad had it , I just had no clue about vascular dementia. So Google Teepa Snow, and learn more about it. You may see things in your mom you didn't realize that is signs of dementia
Kept secret because..?? Could be many reasons..
She didn't want to involve others
Didn't want't to know
Didn't want to make changes
Didn't understand
Depression
Stroke, dementia, low kidney function or other un-dx issues are impacting her brain health
Another way to look at this 'secretive' behaviour would be to consider:
* Denial ie looks away from the problem (purposly or non-purposely)
* Lack of insight - can't understand. Due to brain changes.
Without a fuller picture, my immediate thought was: depression + untreated diabetes = brain changes = lack of insight.
You have done well to get your Mother seen to by medical staff in the hospital & now moved to SNF for rehab.
Where to from here?
I'd suggest ask about a family update meeting. Get updates from PT, Nursing Staff & Doctor. In their group professional opinion - will Mom be independant enough to return to living with you, independantly? Or will she require 24/7 support?
The lack of self care, sitting in one position all day, keeping her condition to herself - I recognise all of these.
I feel so sad reading this.
Welcome to the Forum.
That being said how did you not notice that she wasn't bathing/showering? Or that her toenails haven't been clipped in months? Or that she's wearing soiled clothing? Or that she had sores on her legs before they became giant sores?
She should probably be in assisted living or even a Long Term Care facility. She's clearly not getting the care she needs at your house. Even people who have taken great care of their health get sick and have health crises. It's not just the ones who aren't exercising or eating healthy.
I know from experience that self care can be more than difficult when our mental health has taken a nose dive.
It might look like stubbornness, but I doubt that it is.
I think that, ultimately, your mum may be better off in a sheltered housing facility (I think that may be similar to ALF in America) where there are others of her own age in similar circumstances to befriend, and daily activities going on. Although, she may not see it that way at first.
Mostly, she needs help with her mental health, as well as her physical health. Antidepressants may help initially, so that she can start rebuilding her life.
I hope that there is a sunnier future for your mum and for you.
I agree that your Mom probably suffers from depression, compounded by her not feeling well (regardless that she brought it upon herself through neglect). I think she would benefit a great deal from meds for this. My Mom (95) just started taking a low dose of Lexapro and it has helped her a lot. If you knew my Mom -- it blew me away that she asked for meds. She's happy to have this solution. She was always a more negative/suspicious/skeptical/cynical person in her youth...
She is probably a good candidate for AL. In a good AL she will have more social opportunities, activities, etc. If this isn't something she can afford, then I would opt for a daily or 3x a week companion aid (minimum of 30 hours).
I hired a companion aid for my 2 very elderly Aunts who lived together. They had her for 6 years and loved her to pieces. I had to go through a few losers before we found her (through an agency) but it was worth it. She also did light housekeeping, drove them on errands, light food prep, etc. She was not trained to do hygiene or when they became a fall risk, which is the only thing that ended her long relationship with them.
Your Mom may resist this but you have a legitimate reason (her health) to have someone "just checking in " on her weekly.
Also, hopefully you are your Mom's PoA. If she won't do this, this would be a deal breaker for her to live with/adjacent to me. My 95-yr old Mom lives next door to me. The deal for me to be her caregiver was 1) she gets hearing aids because I wasn't going to be yelling everything to her; 2) she stays in the house and accepts aids that I hire; 3) she stays in the house until she's no longer safe there or I become overwhelmed by her amount of oversight.
I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through next steps with your Mom.