Hi what will happen if my mum has dementia and refuses to go into a nursing home how long can they stay independent in thier own homes? Could she be forced by law if they feel she is not safe at home? the only care she will receive is 3hrs a wk from state and we cant afford private care? I want to leave here soon and am worried about leaving her on her own?
First of all you need to take your mother to a Neurologist to have an exam to determine if she does indeed have dementia or Alzherimer's. From what you have said it does appear that she has some kind of disorder. You need to find out for sure.
If she does, then it is time to draw all the siblings together for a frank discussion on how you care for Mom. This is not your sole responsibility but should be the shared responsibility of everyone within the family. Since it is believed that Mom's condition is not severe enough to warrant hospitalization, but she is doing things that are considered dangerous, she may very well need to move into a facility or you may have to just tell Mom that she can no longer live alone and tell her that you have made arrangements for her to move in with you or another sibling.
Personally I could never even think for a second that I would move away and leave my Mom to her own devices. This is how I feel and I am not saying that everyone feels the same way, but your Mom does need care.
Your mother will fight you about leaving her home because they feel more comfortable within familiar surroundings. The thing is that when your parent becomes ill many times you have to step in and make decisions for them that they may not be happy with. Because of this it is imperative that you obtain Mom's Power of Attorney immediately, because once they are deemed as incompetent with Dementia or Alzheimers they can no longer make those decisions legally....because they are mentally incompetent.
If you feel that you are the sibling that can make the best decisions for Mom, then you need to seek her POA immediately. You may need to lie and tell her it is not for use right now, but for use in the future IF SHE should develop a memory issue and you should need to help her. DO NOT TELL HER IT IS FOR USE NOW! If you are unable to get her POA NOW you will be faced with getting Guardianship which is costly and very time consuming so you need to get POA NOW.
None of this is easy and they will continue to tell you they are fine when you can clearly see they are NOT FINE. This is denial and it is part of the disease where they think they really are fine, but they are not.
Work diligently on getting the POA for Healthcare and Finances and make sure you get a diagnosis from a doctor, then do a sit down with other siblings. You may all have to stand as a united front and tell Mom you love her and only want the best for her!
God Bless You All!
As I said, only you can decide what is best for you. I also have something you don't seem to have, the help and support of one brother and a niece when I ask. I know exactly how you feel, hating living in your town, but another difference might also be, I'm 66. I've had a good successful life and was able to do pretty much all I wanted to do. Would I have my same sentiments if I were younger and had things I want to fulfill? I honestly don't know. Learning more about your situation, it certainly sounds like the best thing is a nursing home. Even if she comes to live with you, you can't be with her every minute of the day, which is what it sounds if she's already set fire to the kitchen. I, thankfully, have had none of that. I'm fortunate in that I can leave her for several hours and all she does is lay on the couch. She's never fallen or done anything dangerous. Every situation is different and you, and only you can decide. Good luck. I didn't give a hug because I don't know how to set that on here. But I would have if I knew how.
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